Valentine’s Day is creeping its way inexorably towards us once again, commemorated by many of us with empty chocolate boxes, dashed hopes and tears as we resign ourselves to a life of unending loneliness. No? Just me? Damn. So much for openness and honesty.
But never fear ladies, gentlemen, and others; it’s not too late to change your fortunes once you learn what to look for in a prospective mate.
In the run up to the latest annual commemoration of a Christian Saint beaten to death by the Romans with chocolate and cheesy love songs (a result of a re-branding strategy launched by the Vatican several centuries ago), it gets a little bit hard to understand what you want out of a prospective partner, which understandably leads to a lot of questions.
Like do I want to find the one, or have a relationship that escapes the shackles of matrimony? Do I want to listen to advice from a man who will spend Sunday crouched in the foetal position listening to sad Mohammed Rafi songs? And when will the passive-aggressive rhetorical questions end?
But fear not my friends; armed with these tips you can successfully go a-wooing with an almost guaranteed success rate (Legal disclaimer: success not guaranteed at all.)
Here are the top seven things to look for in a prospective partner:
Sweetens the overall package, sometimes literally if your beau’s financial assets are tied up in some subsidiary of Krispy Kreme. Wealth obviously buys happiness – you can buy a jet-ski with money. Have you ever seen an unhappy jet-skier? Case closed.
2.) Lack of humour
This is a big one. If you want to be the top dog in the relationship, choosing a partner whose conversational skills verge on the life-threateningly tedious is an absolute must. It means at dinner parties you are the one people want to speak to, driven to your witty repartees by the dullness of your lover. You’ll be the one with the friends in the relationship: perfect for ensuring they are even more reluctant to break up with you.
3.) Facial hair
This is applicable in terms of a mindset for both sexes (though ideally only applicable on the face of one of them). A beard is one of the most magnificent gifts that fate can bestow upon you. Take good care of a man with a beard, ladies: he who grooms, reveres and cultivates it possesses immense patience and intelligence. Not to mention an ability to shrug off the coldest of weathers with an almost ursine insouciance.
4.) Insert obligatory and generic “true beauty lies within and not on the outside” quote here.
5.) Technologically adept
This is a tricky one to judge. Ladies want a man intelligent enough to be able to use Instagram and get that perfect selfie, but not so intelligent that they figure out how to change their Facebook password (which, as any self respecting woman should know, belongs to her along with his money, his house, and his dignity). Men just want someone willing to reply “hi” back to them when they ominously ask you for ‘Fraandship’.
Dogs are cute. Cats are agents of Satan.
And the most important tip of them all:
7.) Understand your place in the greater scheme of things
As the great George Carlin once said, “Here’s all you need to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
(Disclaimer: It is not the author’s intent to inform, educate or provide a seriously written article to his readership.)