Cyrus Broacha’s love advice: Learn to take a hint bro

  • Cyrus Broacha, Hindustan Times, New Delhi
  • Updated: Dec 09, 2015 18:50 IST
From how to approach your crush to how to handle a break up, shoot your questions to Cyrus and he will answer them.

Are you having relationship troubles? Is the long distance bothering you or do you have trust issues? Are you looking for someone to talk your heart out about these problems?

Worry not. So, TV anchor, theatre personality, comedian, political satirist, columnist and author, Cyrus Broacha is here to help you: From navigating relationship trouble to helping your love life go the distance, he’s got all the dating advice you’ll ever need from your first date to something that you can’t find a solution to.

From how to approach your crush to how to handle a break up, shoot your questions to Cyrus and he will answer them.

I’ve been in love with a girl for five years. Every time I try to confess my love to her, she avoids me. She hates me and has blocked me on all social networking sites. If I share anything with her, she shares it with her best friend, who claims that he is her boyfriend. What do I do?

— Prince

Prince, the famous aeronautical engineer, Behram Engineer, once explained how if you spit into your palm during a windy day, the spit would never reach your palm in the first place. Your attempt is exactly like this spit. It’s just going to get lost. She doesn’t like you and is being very clear. What more should she do? Don’t expect her to put an advertisement in the newspaper, as those things cost a lot of money. Whether he’s really her boyfriend or not is of no consequence. At the moment, she’d rather date a lamp post than you. I’m apologising for my cruelty, but move on, and stop spitting. Remember your oath to Swachh Bharat.

I’ve been in love with my teacher. We used to chat on WhatsApp. I even proposed to her, but she rejected my proposal. Now, I have asked her to block me on WhatsApp. How do I win her over?

— Student

Your first attempt is called the direct approach. It was tried by the Georgian Army against Buta the Mongol, and they got slaughtered. The second attempt was tried by the Spartans at Thrmopylae. It’s called the Soenpeing Hero Strategy. Contrary to cinematic opinion, the Spartans did get ­slaughtered. If you read my latest book (it’s a four-minute read), you’ll see that too often, we jump to the end right at the beginning when it comes to dating. Why win her? First establish contact, my boy. Dating is exactly like walking the plank. Girls appreciate normalcy even more than plants. You are creeping her out; instead, establish a simple channel of ­communication and let her reciprocate, or please move on to the next one and this time go by the book. My book.

I have a crush on a girl in my class. I want to take the next step and tell her the truth. How do I go about it?

— SP

Congratulations, SP. At last, a question asked at the right time. As I explained in the last answer, we need to start at the beginning, which Edmund Hillary said was a very good place to start. (some cheek from a guy who started climbing Mt Everest only after he’d been lifted in a palanquin for the first 8,000 feet.) A simple ‘hello’ is step one. A longer greeting and a common student issue is step number two. Then allow her to initiate ­conversation; that’s step three. Then, you hit open communication. That’s step four. Once you reach step four, it’s all cool.

I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for three years. He said that he would marry me after our graduation. I even talk to his mother and sister, who know we are dating. We’ve been regularly having sex. About two months back, he stopped taking my calls. Now, he says he doesn’t want to marry me. Please help.

— DB

In terms of seasons, you’ve hit winter. The question is will it be spring soon, or a long cold winter? If you live in Mumbai, you’d have no idea of what I’m talking about, as Mumbai has no winter — just less summer, summer and more summer. Two months of avoidance is a long time. He’s backing off. There’s no point in playing the waiting game at this stage. Talk to him. If he wants out, he needs to be clear.

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