Cyrus Broacha’s love advice: Use your own soap, man

  • Cyrus Broacha, Hindustan Times, New Delhi
  • Updated: Oct 26, 2015 09:29 IST
From how to approach your crush to how to handle a break up, shoot your questions to Cyrus and he will answer them.

Are you having relationship troubles? Is the long distance bothering you or do you have trust issues? Are you looking for someone to talk your heart out about these problems?

Worry not. TV anchor, theatre personality, comedian, political satirist, columnist and author, Cyrus Broacha is here to help you: From navigating relationship trouble to helping your love life go the distance, he’s got all the dating advice you’ll ever need from your first date to something that you can’t find a solution to.

From how to approach your crush to how to handle a break up, shoot your questions to Cyrus and he will answer them.

A guy in my neighbourhood says he loves me. We’ve been chatting for the last nine months. I’ve met him three or four times. He wants to marry me. I don’t love him and I consider his love as just an obsession. I have told him many times that I don’t love him. Now, he’s threatening me. What should I do? BK

BK, please understand that this is a column to help love birds, although I also try to help love dogs, cats and light-coloured flowers. Yours is not a love problem, yours is clearly harassment. He has scared you with threats. The behaviour normally throws the ‘love’ out of the situation, 93.77% of the time. The exception being the Black Widow Spider, who first harasses the male, then mates with him and finally eats him. Here, the threatened male gladly accepts his fate and doesn’t bother writing in. This has something to do with the spider. If he’s threatening you, report this to your parents, his parents or the police, if need be. Except for ­dealing with people who blacken faces, let me assure you, our police is quite ­competent with the rest.

I have feelings for my best friend for the last six years. She’s not into me, and has clearly stated on a number of occasions that she’ll never fall in love with me, and wants to be just a good friend. But at times, she does things that make me feel she might have changed her mind. If I try to walk away, she pulls me back. I’ll never find someone like her again. Now, when she doesn’t call or text me, it hurts. For her, I’m always second. I can neither speak out my mind to her, nor can I quit. What should I do?AP


Let me explain this through my favourite subject — parasites. You see the great Cape Buffalo of Africa, who, after ­plenty of exercises, has only one friend and that friend is a bird who eats the bugs that live on the buffalo. The bird spends hours on the buffalo’s back throughout both their lives, yet the two never mate. Similarly, for her, you serve a function as a friend or bug eater. She needs you, but not in the way that you want. In six years, the dynamics between you two haven’t shifted, so it’s not likely to do so now. You can try being more obvious, but the result is unlikely to vary. Find yourself a ­buffalo and stop trying for the bird, please.

I have fallen in love with my classmate. I always daydream about her. Actually, this is not my first love, earlier too, I’d been unable to express my love. This time I wanted to, but the girl is already engaged. Please help. AK

AK, during his term in prison, Ted Hardy takes another inmate’s soap and gets thrashed for it. What’s true for that ­sociopath murderer is true for all of us. We can’t resist someone else’s soap even when we have our own. Please don’t express yourself candidly, that’s a 100 to 1 gamble that you musn’t take. All you have to do is aim low, really low. Make sure she knows you exist. Say hello, confessing feelings is a long way off. Get to know her, and let her know you. Having said that, can’t you chase unattached girls? Use your own soap, man!

I’ve a crush on a girl who studies with me. We’ve been talking for two months on WhatsApp and Facebook. But we don’t talk ­face-to-face. What should I do?99C

99C, thank you for saving my time. Last night’s chocolate mousse is ­keeping me in the lavatory for long. You’ve answered your question yourself, and I’m left with nothing to write. I can ­simply draw sketches that I enjoy doing, like dog eating man. Let me guide you to your answer — it’s in your last line. The one which says we don’t talk face-to-face. Start talking. Now leave me to do my sketches. What do you think of man being eaten by termites over a three month ­period?

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