Cyrus Broacha’s relationship advice: Love is not an IIT entrance test

  • Cyrus Broacha, Hindustan Times, New Delhi
  • Updated: Jan 25, 2016 11:32 IST
TV anchor, theatre personality, comedian, political satirist, columnist and author, Cyrus Broacha is here to help you: He’s got all the dating advice you’ll ever need .

Are you having relationship troubles? Is the long distance bothering you or do you have trust issues? Are you looking for someone to talk your heart out about these problems?

Worry not. So, TV anchor, theatre personality, comedian, political satirist, columnist and author, Cyrus Broacha is here to help you: From navigating relationship trouble to helping your love life go the distance, he’s got all the dating advice you’ll ever need from your first date to something that you can’t find a solution to.

From how to approach your crush to how to handle a break up, shoot your questions to Cyrus and he will answer them.

I am a second year ­engineering student from IIT Bombay. I was always very studious in my school. After getting into IIT, I started socialising. In the past one year, I fell in love once, but to no avail. That girl chose my best friend over me. Since then, I have totally lost faith in love. I am good at flirting. I even had many one night stands and meaningless sex. I thought I needed it. But now, I am falling for someone. I don’t know whether she likes me. What should I do?-AM

You are IITian, dude!

See, I told you that IIT can’t teach you everything. You learn much more at St. Xaviers. Or Lady Shri Ram, definitely Mount Carmel, Bangalore. But it’s too late, dear AM. For you to ­correct your miseducation, I’m enclosing 2 blue pills . Take them twice a day for your cynicism. Also, 1 ­yellow capsule once a day on an empty stomach. Mind you for your distrust and loss of faith. Also, this certificate of merit for all those many hours of ­having meaningless sex. Congratulations! Now ­prepare for real love, by not thinking of the outcomes. Love is not an IIT entrance test. It’s much more ­difficult and tutors are at a premium. Enjoy your ­feelings and present your normal self to the lady. The more positive you are, the better would be the results. Also, in the 80’s, the IIT connect would have been considered a heavyweight. But now, it’s a gold medal. So, aagey badho, sainik!

I’ve liked a girl since childhood. A few years back, her father was transferred to another state. Recently, I met her on Facebook. She ­remembered me and asked me for my number. I don’t know if she has the same feelings for me as I have for her. In fact, I have started loving her now. I have even given her clues that I love her. I am planning to propose to her when I meet her. Should I tell her the truth now? -Ajay

Like seriously.

Ajay, the other day, my friend Kunal told me that he found an open road on Marine Drive. I’m going to tell you what I told him, ‘Yo bro, what’s the problem?’ (Please note I use a heavy Bengali accent when I say things like Yo Bro, also, For yo and jay lo). Let’s not indulge in PP (premature propositions). You’ve met your love after a long time, she’s keen on staying in touch, so the grass is ­greener, and you know, this is virtually unheard of in the subcontinent. Why not get to know each other again. Follow dating ­protocol and only clinch the deal when the ­percentage is clearly in your favour. At my age, the only people who ask me for my number is out of work, plumbers and electricians. But in your case, it’s a great sign. Now, excuse me, I’m off to Marine Drive.

Read: Long distance love can work, says Cyrus

I’m in love with my cousin, and she loves me as well. But our families won’t accept our ­marriages because they ­consider her as my sister. What should I do? - AM

Make your own independent decision.

Well, rule no 1 — your cousin is not your sister. Rule no 2 — a bear is not a fox. Rule no 3 — a banana is not an apple. They are all technically wrong. We do this rubbish in India all the time. If we really consider our cousins as our ­siblings, then shouldn’t they get a share of our parents’ ­property and estate? Hai koi jawab, bhaijaan? Having said that, physical relations with cousins are fraught with risk. I mean I know a couple of cousins who mated and their offsprings look like their chauffeur, which of course is another problem going beyond cousins. I would try to dissuade you, because of the social stigma and health hazards involved. Also, you’ll get less ­presents on birthdays, as the same family is involved. But, as adults, we weigh the pros and cons, or in your case the cousins, and decide for ourselves. Rule no 4 — armed with all the facts, make your own independent choice, but fully expecting little or no support.

My friend was in a relationship with a girl for three years. She broke up with him after he cheated on her. Recently, I proposed to that same girl. She said she doesn’t want to be in a relationship. But after some time, she said that she needed time to answer my proposal. Do you think she will say yes to my proposal? And what should I do post that?-VJ

Loves me, love me not?

VJ, just because I have long hair, and have the gait of an aging female ramp model, doesn’t mean I’m a girl. More importantly, it doesn’t mean I’m that girl. And by that girl, I mean your girl. Or that girl that you want to make into your girl. The final answer remains with her. But I will say this, in my 39 years of researching romance, (including over 40,000 hours of seriously hard core government banned adult content) tells me that she is definitely interested, especially if she’s holding on to you like this. However, my 107 consecutive ­personal rejections from both genders also confirms the deal is far from sealed. Yet, now is the time for you to show us what you have got and seriously romance her. The gate is ajar and the watchman is missing.

Read | Sometimes, just say no: Cyrus Broacha’s relationship advice

Got a question? just write to uncle Cy: And I’ll give you some relief…. err… that is, provided, I’m not doing a headstand at the time.

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