Funnyman Cyrus Broacha: Avoid falling for married people

  • Cyrus Broacha, Hindustan Times, Mumbai
  • Updated: Oct 22, 2015 14:43 IST

Are you having relationship troubles? Is the long distance bothering you or do you have trust issues? Are you looking for someone to talk your heart out about these problems?

Worry not. So, TV anchor, theatre personality, comedian, political satirist, columnist and author, Cyrus Broacha is here to help you: From navigating relationship trouble to helping your love life go the distance, he’s got all the dating advice you’ll ever need from your first date to something that you can’t find a solution to.

From how to approach your crush to how to handle a break up, shoot your questions to Cyrus and he will answer them.

I am a 41-year-old divorced businessman. I’m looking to get into a live-in relationship. I have a 12-year-old daughter. Newspapers don’t accept ads for such relationships. Will it work in my case? How can I find someone compatible?

— AS

Your approach is fantastic. Fantastic, if you’re buying a fridge. Sadly, while searching for a mate, it’s not always quite so clinical, unless you’re a St Bernard, of course. First, let me welcome you to the 21st century. Please press the green button and proceed. Social networking is your answer. There are many websites (I last counted 11,433) that allow you to hook up with like-minded prospective parties. Your idea of a live-in may be appreciated by a future partner you meet there. A word of caution before you agree to let her move in with you: check her personal hygiene. Now don’t waste time; go online.

I’m in love with a girl who already has a boyfriend. She says she and her boyfriend have some sort of a contract, and that they will break up next year. We are good friends. How do I express my feelings for her? When would it be the right time for me to tell her that I love her?

— Honey

I love this girl that you may love. She may be the most efficient lover ever. I mean, Sang Lin Win of the Tang Dynasty broke up with a girl every week, and moved onto a fresh one for seven consecutive years. He used a very persuasive argument –– let’s break up, or your head and your entire family will disappear from the Earth. After lots of pondering, most girls agreed to move on. I say, let her honour her contract. But please ask her to share some details, such as when, what month, week, day, etc. the break-up is expected. Also, ask her to draw up a new MOU with you.

I’m in love with my teacher. I have confessed my love to him. But he thinks I’m too young, and that I don’t know what love is. I’m 18, and he is 25. He is married, and even has a daughter. What should I do?

— Leeyera

Crushes on school teachers are as old as the concept of education. I, too, had a crush on my headmistress. But since I was four-years-old at the time, the police were never called in. Later, when I taught functional electronics at the University of Warwick, I discovered that many students had crushes on me. But since none of them were female, I never reciprocated. My advice is, if you have to fall for a teacher, avoid married ones with daughters. So, do what you came to school to do: “listen to your teacher”.

I’ve been close friends with a girl for a year-and-a-half. Of late, she hasn’t been talking to me because her father and brother don’t like me. She even blocked me on WhatsApp and other social networking sites. What should I do?

— DT

In Stella Smith’s book, DogTraining, she points out how difficult it is to train a puppy who is distracted. The same is true for your situation. This girl is distracted and influenced by her family. Sadly, that influence is much stronger than her feelings for you. In toilet-training terms, she will pee on the bed if you let her lie on it. Write a firm letter to her about how disappointed you are, and then leave her alone. If she responds, well and good. If not, as the bard says, ‘Let sleeping dogs lie’; especially if they are not toilet-trained.

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