Year changes, calendar changes... why do annoying girlfriends never change?
Yaar, I really thought things have changed with the smart generation of the smart phones. I mean, we are a good 15 years into this century known for super smart youngsters getting in and out of relationships for ... err ... super dumb reasons. But I was still not prepared for this mail I got from four 20-year-old Pune guys, on the last day of 2014. "We are best friends and we’ve decided to spend new year’s eve together and not with our girlfriends.
Saara saal pakaa diya un log ne humko
. The same rut will carry on in 2015 as well.
Ek din toh hamara ban ta hai
. We thought of asking you to write a column, asking girlfriends everywhere to change their age-old irritating habits from this year," the mail read.
Well, haylo Mr Poonawalla X4, I just tried to smell your mail to see what you guys have been drinking, but my phone is clearly not smart enough. Anyway, now that our society has progressed despite all the moral spirits lurking around, and young couples no longer spend 97% of their time trying to hide from the prying eyes of rishtedaars, and society in general, I thought girlfriends bring sheer joy in a guy’s life. Why the hell are you — clearly under the faux courage that December 31 lends to some people — calling your girlfriends annoying, when you know you’ll be back to chanting 'Oh my shona babyyy' to them the next morning after the ­hangover?
I was wrong. As revealed in an eye-opening discussion — in a completely sober state — with some young men in my team yesterday, the Pune guys were right. Girls, brace yourselves for this truth. We have arrived in 2015, but we are still irritating the hell out of guys — or so they claim — by asking the same old annoying questions. All hate mails from girls, if any, for this piece may please be directed to Aditya Dogra and Samarth Goyal. (For compliments, my email id is at the end). According to the guys, they will visit every temple, gurudwara, mosque or church, if their girlfriend will stop asking these questions in 2015.
Q1. Kya soch rahe ho?: Awww. It’s sooo cute that girls think their boyfriends have brains that are active enough to think. But why, in the name of God, do they want to enter those brains all the time, to know what he’s thinking? Why ‘o why? You know what, my research says that mostly the guys are not thinking anything at all. And when you throw such a volley at them, they have to forcibly think of a reply that won’t lead to the world war. If they say ‘kuchh nahi’, you’ll attack them with ‘Then why are you so quiet?’ Won’t you? If they say, ‘I was thinking about you only’, it’s so Goddamn cheesy that you should leave him just for this lie. So, they are mostly caught on the backfoot. Spare them the misery yaar, just let them be.
Q2. Why did she tag YOU?: This is a new-age beemari. Symptoms: Heavy palpitation and breathlessness, when your girlfriend checks out your Facebook. Who is she? How do you know her? Why does she keep liking your status? You’re still in touch with school friends? Why did she send you a friend’s request? Why are you tagged on her photos? Treatment: Change the privacy settings or keep including all these other girls as ‘cousins’ in the family settings. Permanent cure: Dump. I meant Facebook. What did you think? ;)
Q3. Why are you online?: And if you are, why have you not replied to the message I sent 16 seconds back? I really think you have changed. Kis se baat kar rahe the? Your phone was also on call waiting five minutes back. Look at Bansuri’s boyfriend. He chats with her non-stop. Doesn’t even take loo breaks. Why do YOU leave your phone out when you pee? Okay, not the last bit, but mazaa aa raha thaa :). Let’s give the interrogation a break, gals. Actually, it’s not really a girl’s thing. I know of a lot of guys who do this too, and it’s all borne only out of a needless insecurity. If someone’s really not into you and wants to flirt with the whole world, he won’t stop only because you are asking questions. He’ll just find other ways of doing it. It’s best to have trust, for his peace of mind and yours too. And yep, comparisons with someone else will only worsen things. Take it from me, when your friend cribs to her boyfriend, she gives examples of yours. That’s the way it works in life. What ­someone else does will always seem better. But only ‘seem’ so. And there is a big difference between seeming and being. Pick up your grammar book.
Q4. You don’t love me anymore, nah?: Kitna filmy sawaal hai. But it just doesn’t leave our lives. If I were a guy, I would reply ‘yeah, I don’t’, to this question, simply because I enjoy fireworks. Poor guys always oblige this question with a heavy dose of reassurance. ‘No jaan, I love you even more (yuck, yuck). Well, do they have a choice? This is an answer every guy, from Borivali to Bhatinda gives without thinking, for the sake of peace of mind, but can we please ditch this drama? Love that needs constant reassurance needs a bit of a foundation-­checking. Baar baar poochhna chhodo. Have self-confidence, the guy would want to express his love even more.
Q5. Meri kasam kha ke bolo?: Aye haaye! This kasam business is still on? Like really? This is exactly what your grandmother used to say to your grandfather, or his best friend...lol. Sorry for the poor jokes. But please, do you really think guys tell the truth when they swear by you? Most of you have effectively reduced the average longevity of women in India by just asking this question once a day. Arre yaar, ask him to swear by his ex-girlfriend. Kam se kam ek teer se do shikaar toh karo.
Q6. Am I looking fat in this dress?: How could this most obvious and cliched question be left out. You know, observe carefully and you’ll see that seasoned guys start shaking their head in a ‘no’ even before you finish asking this. For once, let’s change this question to ‘how fat do I look in this dress?’ At least the guys will be forced to be creative while replying. Or simply, just stop asking this question. Love yourself the way you are. If the boyfriend isn’t happy, he can propose to a mannequin. Happy New Year.
Sonal Kalra is scared of being lynched by the she-gangs of the world. She needs suggestions for the next week’s column — on the most irritating questions boyfriends ask. Mail her at firstname.lastname@example.org or facebook.com/sonalkalra13. Follow on Twitter @sonalkalra