Love is about memories, about the movies you watch hand-in-hand, the silly fights and the break-ups, the crying and the making-up.
It’s also about the pizza parlours and coffee shops meetings, the songs you dance to and so many things that have your love written right across it. And then one day, it’s all over.
But the memories haunt you. You wonder if you should wish her on her birthday or should you ask her friends about her.
Those memories! Walking down the same streets hurts you, the same songs move you to tears, the movies you’d watched together become unbearable to watch now.. memories, memories and so many more memories.
So now you know the pain which I’m talking about — the pain that goes deep into the recesses of your mind and refuses to let go. This is the pain after a relationship is over.
Feel the tears
What happens when there’s pain but the relationship continues? Let me be clear about this and say that I’m talking about the pain that comes in a marriage or in a relationship, after the act of apparent forgiveness is over.
I mean when one forgives the other for cheating on him or her and when the need to love surpasses the need to leave.. when being together is a lesser hell than being apart.
And then you forgive the trespasses. But in the bedroom, bathed in moonlight after he or she has fallen asleep, you imagine those things that you haven’t seen.
Did she touch him the way she touches me? Did she utter his name like she does mine? Did he hold her in his arms the way I do?
Then the mind conjures up a million images and you feel the wetness of the pillow against your cheeks. You feel miserable. It’s as if someone is physically tearing your heart out. Oh, the pain!
When you realise that you’ve never really forgiven and that your gesture of emotional magnanimity is actually an admission of your insecurity and helplessness, your need to hang on despite the pain. It’s your inability to let go.
But you should just let go! Because if you don’t, you will wake up every morning hating him or her a little more. You will use this against the person during a fight. You will never be able to live it down. It will fester inside you like a silent predatory illness and ultimately bring everything down.
The tragedy is when you forgive someone in actual terms — when you forgive because you want to and because you have no insecurities or helplessness, when you realise that it doesn’t matter. And then you also realise that you don’t love any more.