(All photos: Shutterstock)
Now we are no Monica Lewinsky. So Vanity Fair won’t welcome us with a piece that opens with, “... Monica Lewinsky joined Twitter and posted her first tweet... In her bio she described herself as a social activist, public speaker and knitter of things without sleeves.”
Wait, what? Knitter of things without sleeves: What does that even mean? Anyway, let’s not be all pretentious please, it’s Twitter we’re talking about here. So, (just about) everything's a fair game.
Now, let’s focus: You’re finally on Twitter. Good for you. Because guess who else is on Twitter? Everyone! You already know that. But what happens next? Of course, you know that too. But, let’s play it out for you, one more time. Really, this will refresh your memory.
This, for the better or worse, is how your first day on Twitter played out. More or less.
1 You ignored an incoming call, didn’t notice the office cutie pass (haw!) or prayed for a red light while driving and even cursed when the lights turned green, because you were in the middle of composing your very first, very solid tweet. Because making an edgy and clever enough entry, that’s the norm. #Duh.
2 You got an adrenaline rush when you got your first follower, first RT (retweet is so 2001), first favourite. You thought your time to be worldly and smart’s here, and you were excited!
3 You thought of tweeting ideas to keep up your timeline. You thought of going to extreme and slightly dangerous measures (like trying out a skyscraper selfie) to get a TwitPic. And after a good tweet, you kept reloading your notifications hoping to see an RT pop up.
4 Even though your folks told you to never talk to strangers, you followed strangers on Twitter. You even had a daydream that you went out for dinner with a famous person you follow on Twitter.
5 Every time you hit a Twitter follower milestone (10, 20, 100...), you broke into a mental somersault. How? By taking a ‘bathroom break’ or a ‘smoke break’ and figuring out what to do next. Obviously. #FYI that’s also where/how you realised hash-tags were awesome.
6 You frequently checked if someone had unfollowed you. And a sign of relief ensued when you realised no notable follower had severed ties. Phew, that feeling!
7 You immediately started judging people who were not on Twitter, you know the non-Twitter types. And those that were on Twitter were judged based on how many followers they had, the url shortner they used.
8 It’s like your fingers got programmed to seek out the Twitter app every time you picked your phone. And when you didn’t check in, you had that never-ending am-so-out-of-touch-with-everything feeling.
9 You started viewing Facebook as the VCR of social media platforms. Yes. That happened. You know it did!
10 And when you finally pulled into the driveway, you sat in the car for a last Twitter smoke. You realised Twitter would be your food, water and shelter, tomorrow, the day after and the day after, after. You also realised, you said the word Twitter at least 13 times in the day.