If you’re at a loose end up and are looking for some action, and I say this with tongue firmly in cheek, go big over the coming week.
I don’t mean Valentine’s Day, which is blah, unless you’re perverse enough to like 50 shades of pukey pink, or want to turn the screws on your insignificant other for being emotionally delinquent through the year.
Valentine’s Day is cunningly designed to make you splurge on things you don’t need and memories you won’t want, and you don’t need to really understand Einstein’s views on Relativity or know what Schrödinger’s cat theoretically did to get this.
Since the day has significance bordering on religion only for retailers with dark designs on our collective pockets, we must navigate out of this Candycrush wasteland of chocolate streams and marzipan roses and get some action without spending money.
So, irrespective of whether you ODed on champagne and strawberries served up with heart-clunching teddies (ughhh!), the week ahead promises to look up for everyone except those who sell all of the above.
As several annoying people have said time and again, it’s never too late to start and we suggest you begin today.
Hug Day and Condom Day, depending on how lucky you get. Do check the expiry date on the condom so there are no surprises a month later. First-timers must go to YouTube for “How to use a condom” videos to prevent gaffes.
Valentine’s Day, which works for those who score high on mush. Since the kings of kitsch and queens of amour don’t need advice on how to plan romantic evenings, we’ll skip on cheesy advice.
Those awkward with emotion can use Sunday productively to watch the last season of Game of Thrones so they’re primed on trivia for Season Six that begins in April. Or you can just treat Sunday like the Seventh day of Sabbath (Exodus 20:8) and do nothing other than think up cunning plans for a more exciting week ahead.
Slap Day, which is not to be confused with Slap(ass) day on November 7. This is when you get to slap with reason (if V-Day didn’t live up to bubblegum expectations), and without (hey, its slap day, so someone thinks it’s okay to whack people).
It’s said you hurt the one you love, so if all other excuses fail, use this one. If it doesn’t, say the slapping was to set the mood for Fifty Shades of Grey that you have plans to watch together (which you really shouldn’t, alone or together, because it’s really a bad movie).
Kick Day, which I assume is not to be observed wearing hob-nailed boots or stilettos. Instead of risking injury or being locked up for violence, misuse the occasion to kick out people you don’t need in your life but have been too polite to dismiss with a ‘so long, farewell, thank you’.
Perfume Day, when you get to gag people around you without guilt with cheap perfume and ittars that can paralyse olefactory senses of anyone who gets up close and personal. Those with BO must celebrate it sans perfume or deo, more so if you use public transport or have no regard for other people’s private space.
Flirting Day, which you need rather desperately considering you have probably driven away most people, and some, from around you. The challenge will be identifying someone to flirt with, so perhaps you could go to bars and use Barney ‘awesome’ Stinson’s “Poof, I’m here, what are your other two wishes?” pick-up lines from How I Met Your Mother.
Confession Day, which is a waste of a day unless you still haven’t managed to dump your emotional cretin of a partner who hasn’t disappeared despite your enthusiastic celebration of ‘slap and kick’ days. Hint1: Your partner may be into S&M. Hint2: While Sheena Bora’s life may appear inspirational for someone wanting to get rid of a partner, do not get carried away and use chapters from her life. Stick to confessions that won’t lead to police complaints or get you banned from FB and kicked out of Twitter.
Missing Day is when you or your ex goes MIA and you finally get to return your parents’ calls and water your dead plant in hope it will revive. Those who’ve been dumped can send pointless “Missing you” texts, but switching off your phone and disappearing in a comfortable hotel room with a mini-bar is a more effective way of burying your ex under guilt.
Planning ahead gives gets you airplane and hotel discounts, so consider booking for next year today. Booking for two will work if Kissing and Flirting Days worked for you.
Break-up Day, when you post happy pictures of yourself from undisclosed locations to make sure your ex and all your acquaintances on social media know you’ve moved on. This is when you change your status and block your ex. Since you may need to move town to escape stalker exs, look before you post to make sure there are no telltale signs of where you’ve moved.
Romance for Day-Trippers
Feb 7: Rose Day
Feb 8: Propose Day
Feb 9: Chocolate Day
Feb 10: Teddy Day
Feb 11: Promise Day
Feb 12: Kiss Day
Feb 13: Hug/Condom Day
Feb 14: Valentine’s Day
Feb 15: Slap Day
Feb 16: Kick Day
Feb 17: Perfume Day
Feb 18: Flirt Day
Feb 19: Confession Day
Feb 20: Missing Day
Feb 21: Break-up Day
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