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What’s wrong with Indian men?

Gorgeous girls Maria Goretti and Mini Mathur give Cyrus Broacha the third degree about Indian men (given that he’s just written the definitive book on the Average Indian Male...)

sex and relationships Updated: Nov 06, 2011 12:02 IST

What happens when you get three very good friends, three old colleagues (that’s two very hot women and one really, really funny guy) together? Complete chaos, a lot of interrupted sentences, and a lot of name calling – the clean type, we hasten to add – with TV’s resident comic Cyrus Broacha, TV anchor Mini Mathur and former TV veejay Maria Goretti variously calling each other Cy, Broacha, Maria, Mathur and sundry other nicknames over the solid hour that we interviewed them (after a stunning photoshoot) at Bonobo – Bar.Love.Food. in Bandra West, Mumbai.



Broacha (even we are falling into the habit now) is just about to release The Average Indian Male, his second book (the first was Karl, Aaj aur Kal). So who better to quiz a man who claims to deconstruct Indian men than two very old women friends – who don’t hesitate to ask the tough questions and laugh at the funny answers! We just went along for the ride….



Mini:

So Broacha, tell us what your book is about?


Cyrus:

It’s Mr Broacha, and the book is about…


Maria:

(Interrupting) So do we have to call you Mr Broacha?


Mini:

Why?


Cyrus:

Respect…


Mini:

And what will you call us?


Cyrus

: Bhabhi.


MCMMaria:

Did he say bhabhi?


Mini:

He did say bhabhi, he’s obviously taking on the wrong chicks. So what is your book about?


Cyrus:

(starts to answer)


Maria:

And why did anyone ever commission it?


Cyrus:

If you don’t let me answer, why are you even bothering to ask me questions? You go on talking, you’re worse than me. So the book is Random House’s idea, not mine… We did a book before called Karl, Aaj or Kal….


Mini:

Because there are no ideas that are your own…


Cyrus:

No they’re not. Although I am a scientist and some ideas are…


Mini:

Tell us about your book! Skip the preamble. Tell us what it’s about.


Cyrus:

They wanted me to write a book where people could just read three or four pages and then throw it away, and I said ‘But that’s any book I write’. (The girls laugh uproariously)


Cyrus:

So I told them, instead of writing fiction and novels, can I write about Indian men? Because I was just thinking, I do this skit about Indian men, so I said, can I make it into a bigger thing… and I find them very fascinating.


Maria:

So do I. I find them fascinating.


Mini:

Are you mad?


Maria:

I find some Indian men extremely hot! Extremely intelligent.


Cyrus:

I’m speaking about the generic Indian man, not all Indian men.


Mini:

Why is it only about the Indian man and why is it not…?


Cyrus:

(Interrupting) I love women, but it just doesn’t go anywhere. I’m a male magnet – men just come up to me. You put me anywhere in a place where I don’t speak the language and see. Deep in Kerala, I have male friends.


Mini:

So just admit it, you’re writing about the Indian man because you don’t KNOW how to write about any other man!


Brunch:

I just wanted to ask Mini and Maria, if you had a chance to ask any Indian man what’s wrong with them...


Cyrus:

I’m here.


Mini:

(To Brunch) Dr Broacha’s here for you. (To Cyrus) Do you want to know what’s wrong with Indian men or would you rather not know?


Cyrus:

I’ve done the research. There is some collective thought coming from a lot of people. Indian men are really quite normal people, but… why do they hold hands?


Maria:

Why DO they hold hands!?


Cyrus:

Why do they have thin legs? Why do they…


Brunch:

Why DO Indian men hold hands?


Cyrus:

You see, India is so populated, they hold hands so that they don’t get lost in public.


Mini:

Okay, one at a time. I get to ask the first question. I want to know: Would you rather a woman came and told you what was bothering her or would you try and find out what is wrong?


Cyrus:

It does not really matter one way or the other, because of the personality of the woman. Some are very forward with their feelings and some are not. My point is that over the years I’ve realised that many men, me included, have lots of flaws… like my wife complains about the mother thing, like why does a 39-year-old man…


Mini:

(Interrupting) You’re 39??!!!


Cyrus:

….ask his mother for money just before leaving for the airport. I mean, she can’t understand that.


Mini:

I can’t understand that either. You’re weird.


Cyrus:

Or why does your mother pack your bags.


mcmMini:

I also want to tell the readers of HT that he does not carry any money. He borrows R10 when he has to take an auto in the suburban part of town, he does not carry a phone or wallet and his mother still answers his calls.


Maria:

But let me say something in your defence. You are an Indian man, and (addressing Mini) he actually bailed me out once in Delhi, when a company did not pay our room bill, and he said, “Don’t worry Maria, I’ll leave my bags here and let’s both go to the airport. And he left his bags behind.”


Mini:

That’s because his bags only have dirty T-shirts in them.


Maria:

But it was so sweet of him! I still find that Indian men have far better manners, and they treat women far better…


Cyrus:

When they’re dating you, that’s true.


Mini:

I don’t agree.


Cyrus:

I have heard stories from my friends.


Maria:

I love Indian men. I do! Not the average one though.


Mini:

I have a big problem with Indian men. They don’t open doors…


Cyrus:

And they walk in front of their wives and families.


Mini:

And as a very wise friend of mine said, ‘Marriage in India should have been an outdated institution the minute a woman brought her first salary home.’


Cyrus:

Correct.


Mini:

(To Cyrus) After marriage, you guys turn berserk. What’s wrong?


Cyrus:

Personally speaking, I’m very scared of women, so it’s a little different for me.


Maria:

I just want to know Cyrus, when a woman says something like ‘I need to talk to you’, I want to know what goes through your mind at that time?


Cyrus:

You see, men’s perceptions are not as good as women, we don’t pick up on small things.


Maria:

But just answer me, what if I call you and if we were in a relationship (both girls laugh uproariously), and I say, we need to talk…


Cyrus:

To be honest, he would pretend to be sincere, but he would not be good at it.


Mini:

I think the biggest problem with the Indian man is that he changes the minute he gets married.


Cyrus:

I think the biggest problem with the Indian man is that he’s brought up to believe he’s great. Which he’s not. And he thinks like that because of the way his mother treats him, his family treats him… I know someone who has these incredible daughters, who will probably educate themselves and take care of him when he’s old, but he still wants a son. They glorify these men. If you notice, the moment you send them to America, they get levelled suddenly, because there is nobody protecting them. But in India, he’s this big king in his little world. And that’s why a lot of Indian men are not happy in foreign areas and cultures because they absolutely have no balls. And it’s all to do with the mother. The mother has given them too much importance.


Mini:

Aren’t you making too many generalisations?


Cyrus:

But THAT is the problem with the Indian male.


Maria:

So how will things change?


Cyrus:

The main point is that once women get financial security, things will change. They bring money to the table, everything changes.


Mini:

That’s true – but they expect that if they are getting 50 per cent of the money to the table, they will also get 50 per cent help from the husband.


Cyrus:

Then the husband’s whole attitude will change.


Mini:

But that’s already happening. Women are getting money to the table and subsidising men’s lives but Indian men do not subsidise their wife’s housework.


Cyrus:

You’re absolutely right but I think that could change also.


Mini:

Then the other thing. Broacha, tell me, do you think Indian men like their wives to look smouldering hot or they’d much rather look at other hot chicks but their wife should look… like the wife?


Cyrus:

The sati savitri bit is a huge problem. But that’s why I have you two, to change that perception. Indian men should be very comfortable with their wives in bikinis, in…


Mini:

My husband is very comfortable with it.


Cyrus:

Your husband is a different man, he’s exposed to different cultures, he’s a well-read man… we’re talking about the generic man here! We’re talking about Mrs Sharma who’s sitting at home, doing nothing, and watching Ekta Kapoor serials. It’s a different world.


Mini:

So Mr Sharma wouldn’t want Mrs Sharma to look like Malaika Arora, if she could?


Cyrus:

Within the confines of the bedroom he would, but to the outside world not so.


Maria:

I agree.


Mini:

Would he be okay with having an affair, but not his wife having an affair? The whole double standard thing.


Cyrus:

Yes. I know a lot of men and they are like that. Plenty.


http://www.hindustantimes.com/Images/HTEditImages/Images/Maria-Cyrus-Mini-2.gif


Maria:

Okay, tell us one disgusting thing about Indian men that women don’t know.


Cyrus:

We can graphically talk about sex, really graphic. I once discussed this with this producer I worked with, I can’t even tell you how graphic we were, and then I jokingly asked him, ‘So how many times do you screw your wife,’ using these exact words, and he got very angry, because…


Maria:

You were talking about the wife!


Cyrus:

And I don’t understand why he reacted like that because we had just discussed sex graphically! What is the big deal?


Maria:

You can’t say screw, it should be make love…


Cyrus:

What difference does it make! That’s hypocrisy!


Mini:

Not it’s not.


Cyrus:

So wife we can’t talk about, but if it was just a girl, it’s fine.


Maria:

Cy, what is the one thing the Indian man wants to really know from a woman?


Cyrus:

When are we going to have physical relations?


Maria:

That’s all a guy wants to know!?!?!


Cyrus:

From a male point of view, that’s a huge problem. We really want to know how long it will take before we’re going to get down and dirty. It would be nice if you could clear that up and say ‘look, maybe after seven dates, we could go somewhere’. Women have that problem, they hedge a lot.


Maria:

And I also want to ask, you know, in our field, we meet new people all the time…


Cyrus:

What, are you in sales?


Maria:

Don’t be funny! What I want to ask is, when you see a hot chick, what do you think?


Cyrus:

That alimony would be very expensive.


(Girls laugh uproariously)


Brunch:

Why do Indian men scratch themselves inappropriately in public?


Cyrus:

That is something I can’t explain. I have seen Indian men, poor men, businessmen, men from different parts of the country – we’re unified in this.


Brunch:

Why aren’t Indian men okay with women earning more than them?


Cyrus:

They’re worried about losing power. Money is power.


Mini:

Do you think that cuts across classes?


Cyrus:

Yes, yes yes.


Maria:

When a woman has a kid, do you think of her differently?


Cyrus:

Why are you saying a woman, when we have a kid…


Maria:

When you and me have a kid?? (They laugh)


Cyrus:

I don’t think you’d like to have a kid with me….


Maria:

Cy, I want an answer. If you see a girl, and think she’s hot, and then you see her with two little ones in tow, does your perception of her change?


Cyrus:

But there are two types of men, the men who do and don’t have children. Now that I have children, I’m quite okay with children, but when I didn’t…


Maria:

So does the woman become hotter?


Cyrus:

Depends on your fantasy. It’s a very personal thing. (The girls laugh).


Mini:

Broacha, tell me, how long do you think it’s going to take Indian men to completely reboot themselves?


Cyrus:

It’s going to take a long time as compared to other countries. And the mother has to stop glorifying her son.


Mini:

What is the one thing the Indian man should change about himself?


Cyrus:

He should walk behind the woman sometimes. I don’t know why it happens but it’s not cool.



Cyrus Broacha’s The Average Indian Male, published by Random House, will be released later this month

From HT Brunch, November 6

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