What to do when your partner dumps their negativity on you

This behaviour is projection and you can tackle it by using psychology.

If one were to make a list of relationship wreckers then projection would make it to the top. Projection occurs when one the partner tends to project their unwanted feelings, emotions and desire onto their partner. It’s also classified as a defense mechanism that one partner subconsciously employs to deal with their own negative feelings. For example, a partner who cheats in a relationship often accuses the other of cheating. And if this makes you wonder why projection is so common in relationships then it’s because the nature of projection is subtle, it’s hard to figure out if your partner is projecting.

Projection occurs when one the partner tends to project their unwanted feelings, emotions and desire onto their partner.(Istock)

So, if you think your partner is projecting onto you then here’s what relationship expert Dr. Anil Sethi and Pulkit Sharma, psychologists suggest you to do to deal with it.

Signs that you are being projected on

1) Projectors have a tendency to ignore any issues and they attribute it to others,

2)They tend to free themselves of any kind of frustrations/ internal load by dumping on others.

3)They like to be in control. For them, everything is wrong with you, with the world but not with them.

4)They always deny their faults. Since they believe in the narrative that other people are the problem, they are adept at manipulating the truth.

Few common projections

You are selfish. Translation: I am selfish and I don’t want to admit or deal with it.

You are judgmental. Translation: I judge myself and I don’t like it. Hence, I blame you.

How to deal with them

The ideal thing to do is to have a polite yet firm conversation with your partner and make them understand that projection is a defence mechanism. By doing this, you can make your partner aware that projecting their guilt and anger onto you is not healthy as it creates a vicious cycle of a never-ending back and forth between yourself and the partner.

Whenever your partner projects, respectfully disengage. Whenever an argument or fight is about to start, you can just end or back out of the argument by saying that this about them, not you.

Avoid arguing back, criticizing or making your partner understand that he or she shifts the blame for everything on you. This strategy will only tangle up your efforts to confront the projection. Rather, keep the conversation about them, remove yourself from the conflict, and don’t give them the opportunity to make it about you. Express a bit of empathy and ask the right questions which force your partner to introspect.