Attack at the right time: Cyrus Broacha

Lovestruck, moonstruck or just stuck, write to uncle Cy and get an advice that you may or may not be able to use. Most likely you won't be able to use. But it's a good laugh of a suggestion anyway. Here are four bravehearts who show the way this week, for all that is worth.

I am 16 and I like a girl in my college. She is from a different class and I thave never spoken to her, although we are together in the Hindi classes. Please tell me how to approach her and tell her about my feelings.
— Alston Nadar

Cyrus: Alston, that will involve three simple steps (a) identify her exact location,(b) walk towards her, (c) open your mouth and say hello in Hindi to her. Incidentally hello in Hindi is also ‘hello’ which may cause confusion. So you may want to add a few more words. I have found in my experience, that  talking about a common subject (in this case the Hindi class) is the best and safest opening. And I speak from years of experience. My strike rate was 8790 i.e. 87% of the girls I initiated a dialogue with, asked me never to speak with them again. Chat, Alston, just chat.

I am 18 and I love a girl in my class. I used to always stare at her in school. After a while, she started talking to me. Maybe she likes me too. But she’s told me she doesn’t believe in love. There are only two months left for the class to end. Do I ask her out? I don’t want to lose her, I want her forever.

POP, that is a strange technique, I must say. In the Kalahari Desert if you stare at a human, the bushman will cut off three of your fingers, which makes it difficult to have a career as a pianist. Oddly your staring has sort of worked. The fact that she’s talking to you and not hitting you with her shoes is especially heartening. People tend to appreciate all that’s around them, when in love, like the birds in the sky, flowers on a hill, Bushmen of the Kalahari in a non-violent mood etc. All you need to do is to lead her away from cynicism and love will follow.

I am 18 and I am in love with a girl from my college. It’s been a month since we started talking regularly. I told her that I like her, but she doesn’t seem interested in a relationship. She is pursuing her CA and is busy all the time. What do I do? Please help.
— Jugal Shah

Jugal, sometimes girls actually want to be acquaintances only. Talking is a good sign, but it’s not a sure-fire sign. If you’ve asked her point blank and she’s shot you down, back off for a while. According to the Complete Guide to Female Logistics, when a woman says no, she means ‘yes’ 46 per cent of the time”. Now this doesn’t mean she means ‘no’ 54 per cent of the time, primarily because women don’t behave in percentages. Attack at the right time. And by attack, I don’t mean doing a Jerrit John. (Who obviously wasn’t acquainted with the complete Guide to Female Logistics either).

I am a 26-year old businessman and I am always busy with my work. Because of this I have never had a girlfriend or a female friend. How should I cope with my desires, stress and sexual frustration?
— Deepak Pamnani

Cyrus: Deepak, you should tell me! I’m sailing in the same boat as you. To answer your question, society offers many options. All of which are unethical, immoral and sometimes even illegal. Also occasionally the pursuit of pleasure involves the exchange of money. Now I don’t know about you, but when money is exchanged pleasure automatically becomes redundant for me.  Oh, and of course, you can try the old fashioned approach i.e. meet a girl and fall in love. However if you want the road less travelled, then let me refer you to my good buddy Kunal Vijayakar, who knows a lot more than me.


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