Have your parents ever accused you of not giving them enough time? Have they made you feel guilty about sitting glued to Netflix every waking hour of the day, and not watching TV with them anymore? And have you, after being sufficiently berated for these very reasons, walked into the living room only to find yourself in a well-laid trap?
We have, so very often.
Moms - as a rule - make you sit through horrid award shows where actors dance to stupid songs, and get prizes in categories you have never heard of before. Mediocre comedians crack jokes you cannot imagine yourself laughing at in a million years, and all you can do is:
Let out an ‘eww’, and your mom gives you the harshest of stares: ‘Very good. Be an angrez... why would you like anything made by your own country?’ When everyone is reaping the fruits of the ongoing anti-national controversy, why should our parents be left behind? To prove your patriotism, you will have to sit your rebellious ass back down and watch some TV soaps. It’s the last nail in the coffin.
You debate in your head whether moving to Pakistan would really be that bad if you could avoid this crap, but that’s when it hits you... they are airing these shows over there too. There is no escaping what our desi channels throw at us.
You think we are exaggerating? Then check out...
1. The biggest Bad Luck Brian ever
Aerodynamics? LOL what’s that?
TV soaps make their own physics and logic. Lord knows what they are up to at Chakravatin Ashoka Samrat, because either my history lessons were nothing but good money down the drain or the producers at Colors don’t give two hoots about being historically accurate.
2. This Olympic gold-worthy archer
What? What the hell’s the matter with the guys at Ek Tha Raja Ek Thi Rani?! They just swung the arrow in the girls’ direction and pretended like it was actually shot. That’s it, I’m outta here.
Hey wait, what happened to Drashti Dhami? Cooked herself a little too long in the tan machine, maybe. Maybe racism is okay if Third World countries do it to each other.
3. The ugliest peacock feet ever
Naagin never fails to surprise us week after week. Every time I switch it on, mistakenly or as a guilty pleasure now, they always give me giggle fodder. This time, they have brought out an icchadhari morni (peacock). Like icchadhari naagins, she too is a shape-shifter, and has ugly feet because peacocks have ugly feet. She has been assigned the task of killing naagin because peacocks hate snakes. Wow, this is where you should learn to stretch facts into the crappiest fiction ever.
4. Meet the Indian Cullens
Woah! We have vampires on air right now? The mom, son and daughter-in-law look like they are all of the exact same age. It’s as if the make-up guys aren’t even trying to make 23-year-olds look like moms to full-grown men - not even that ugly broad streak of white hair. Way to go, Saath Nibhana Saathiya.
5. The best abduction ever
In Saath Nibhana Saathiya again, a Dukhiyari Saas Samiti barges in with placards, brooms and... dustpans.
They make a burrito of the bahu in her own bedsheet.
And proceed to beat her up.
Who was the conductor of this whole performance? Her own mother-in-law, of course.
A friendly reminder - she is the same woman who was subjected to a mice attack by her mom-in-law two weeks ago. Good to see nothing has changed in their little heaven.