Ekta no! Ekta Staaaaphh!
Cried a thousand voices as the cruel, cruel woman brought into this world one crappy TV soap after another. Many followed suit and cursed the idiot box to be a domain only and solely for idiots. What? You’re getting offended that we think people actually watch these things? We have our reasons to make such an assertion, the TRPs.
Apparently, the good citizens of this country have been watching Naagin and Sasural Simar Ka more than anything else. The TRPs for these two shows are through the roof and the ones that brought this upon you and me walk among us. Look to your side, maybe the innocent man next to you in the Metro is excited to know whether Shivanya will restore the Naagmani or not tonight. He and his wife are the reasons why you can’t have good things. And to such people we say:
To every TV channel producer who tosses away a good script for the regressive, misogynistic load of crap that he knows people will definitely watch, we say:
And to those of you who have given up without a fight, we say:
But just to make you realise how serious the situation is, we list the five most terrible, horrible, no good, very bad things we saw on TV this week. Brace yourselves for:
1. The best murder attempt ever
Woman tries to kill another woman by releasing two dozen white mice in her room. How convenient. Would it not have been simpler to shoot her in the head? Or maybe shoot us in the head? At least she wasn’t cheap and brought A-grade white mice for the murder and not those filthy, dark ones with ugly fur, straight from the neighbourhood gutter. At least this one here dies feeling like a Disney princess.
More flawless murder plots on Saath Nibhana Saathiya on Star Plus.
2. The best death in a road-accident ever
Now this is just depressing. I couldn’t have run into that shaky-ass lorry even if I was intending to do so but this one here gets hit and dies. You can literally see the thing standing still for a good frame or two. I don’t know...this is just...I don’t know.
This sad departure of a clumsy soul who brought it upon herself is from Saath Nibhana Saathiya as well. That one is reservoir of all things dumb.
3. The best antiseptic ever
What in the name of kinky hell is going on in here?! I’d rather die than have that come anywhere near my body, thank you very much.
Ugh. Who needs sleep anyway.
These medical lessons straight from WebMD can be found in Naagin on Colors.
BTW, you can see how smitten the fans are with their comments on the episode posted on YouTube. We provide translation if it gets too hard to understand their language of communication:
This one knows what’s up:
This frustrated one who can’t get the video to play
‘My favourite serial, I watch it daily online’ (even though it comes just twice a weeks)
‘Please don’t take it off air. It’s going nice’ (don’t listen to him)
This one who needs a ‘duh’ real bad
4. The best course in time management ever
Their daughter and a dozen other girls have been abducted by a human trafficking gang and these two cannot shut up with their motivational speeches. The goons can come in any second now but mum and dad waste precious time in holding hands, raising hands and uh...just seeing each other’s hands.
One of the more prudent kids says, ‘But mummy unke paas guns hain’ to which the mother hen replies ‘Toh kya hua? Humare paas himmat hai’. Sounds logical enough to me...EXCEPT YOU CAN’T POINT ‘HIMMAT’ AT PEOPLE’S FACES AND RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, WOMAN!
The speech continues for a good 10 minutes and by the end of it you want the goons to just come and get them already.
For more lessons in maximising time and output, watch Yeh Rishtaa Kya Kehlata Hai on Star Plus.
5. The best dress change ever
In the latest segment of ‘The Adventures of Roli and Simar’, Roli follows a woman in white. The woman just out of Roli’s husband’s car and so she confronts her:
Watch how Roli is looking directly at her and can see for herself that she is wearing white. But behold:
Really? Like, seriously?
While the camera did zoom out to reveal a blue dress, Roli was still looking at her the whole time! How can she miss her dress changing colour? This is like #TheDress all over again. #WhiteandGold or #BlueandBlack?
BTW, Roli does think she was mistaken and apologises to the woman (who is of course a witch).
*sigh* Where’s the Disprin?
This went down on Sasural Simar Ka from Colors.