The Chinese government knows everything, especially everything that its citizens think, read, write and do. In an attempt to refute reports about China’s economy slowing down, the government released this letter it had recently intercepted, touting it as proof of its entrepreneurs’ aggressive efforts to seek business opportunities in every situation, including the US Presidential election. This letter has not been edited or proofread by anyone at this newspaper and is reproduced in its original form.
Dear Mr Grump,
You are a very respected big dude. I am vice president of Chinese company that specializes in building big, beautiful walls. As you may be aware, our country has great expertise in building Great Walls. Our walls are dual purpose – they can keep nasty people out, like Kanye West and Dalai Lama. And also keep nasty people in, like my former boss who bought three big condos in Vancouver but now lives in nearby jail.
Senor Rump, we have watched American Presidential circus with great interest. Don’t even need tickets for so funny show! We have read Art of the Deal, and we know you are making big deal out of wall and we are here to offer our services. We do not understand vote because it is a four-letter word in our country.
As you have often said in your speeches that we watch, we agree that once you are President, Mexico will pray for the wall.
Mr Trumpet, we offer bricks of various quality – stoned if you prefer, or concrete if that is in your head, from styrofoam if you want to keep it light or even knockoff iPhones. We are here to honour your requirements.
We also offer many ways of tossing bricks at you. We can ship from our manufacturing plant with instruction manual for assembly (in Chinese, for translation into English we have more fee), or we can have our sub-contractors in Mexico construct for you, but fee will vary depending on which side of the wall they do their work on. You will let us know and we will oblige.
For little extra charge, we can have monogram stencilled into every brick, reading Drump Dower. For another little extra charge, we can also put Made in America on bricks. For additional little extra charge, we also add Make America Grate Again to brick. We are certain you will get a big charge out of our product. We can do the best currency manipulation to meet your budget.
You often say China takes capital and jobs from America. I hope you will give us this yuge order, then at least one of your statements will become true. You can speak freely in your reply. We have no secrets here. We look forward to your positive response.
Wie Ohn Yu
Great Wallmaking Company of China
(The views expressed by the author are personal)