‘Don’t jump the gun’

Just write to uncle cyrus@hindustantimes.com. And I’ll give you some relief…. err… that is, provided, I’m not doing a headstand at the time.

india Updated: Aug 26, 2013 17:52 IST
Hindustan Times

And I’ll give you some relief…. err… that is, provided, I’m not doing a headstand at the time.

I have a crush on a girl who goes to the same tutor as me. I’m scared of asking her out because I fear she may reject me or tell her parents. Her brother comes to pick her up after tuitions, so there is no way I can speak to her then either. What should I do?
You could open the car door and help her get in. You see, you don’t have a problem. You’re like a bald man with a comb. There is no problem, just unnecessary expectation. Stop jumping the gun. You have a crush. Why don’t you just start chatting with her. Let me guide you through the steps: 1) chat. 2) go for coffee. 3)movie and dinner 4) shave your head and buy a comb.

I was in a relationship with a guy for eight months. He was then out of town for a month-long break. After he got back from the vacation, he started ignoring me and wanted to break up. We continued being friends and almost had a patch-up. But now he’s ignoring me again. What do you think is on his mind and what should I do?
—Upset Gal

Coppernicus, the explorer-scientist, suffered the same problem as you. When he left Europe for the first time he fell out of love with his wife (historians though debate the reason simply was that his wife was 33 years older than him, so it’s possible he couldn’t wait to get away from her). Absence generally makes the heart grow fonder, but occasionally absence prefers itself to the heart. Especially when the heart is some 33 years old. So Ms Upset Gal, the bottom line is that he’s off you and clearly wants out. Please forget about him and move on. Also, next time, don’t date men who are 33 years younger than you.

I have a crush on a girl who’s in my class. I’ve never spoken to her directly. I’m a bit popular in my class. I’m worried I may end up making a fool of myself. I’ve seen her staring at me a couple of times. How should I proceed?
—Rahul Ravi

Rahulji, proceed with gay abandon. Be your flamboyant self. Try to impress her. Baboons impress their mates to be by rubbing their behinds on trees. Now you shouldn’t try this, primarily because your class may not have any trees. How about using humour, conversation and good manners instead? They work more often than not. Just so be yourself.

I recently asked a girl out, and she agreed. But two weeks later, she said she wasn’t sure about this and needed time to think. Then, a week later, she broke my heart by saying no. She’s four years older to me. Is age the factor? I’m confused and depressed. Please help.
— Allan

Allan, Allan, Allan , Sorry I’ve written your name three times. But I am at a loss of words. Allan, Allan, Allan, she felt bad, so she said yes. She then gathered courage and stalled you. Finally, she pushed herself and dropped you. As your love manager, I’d say let’s move on. However give it one last try. After all, love and humiliation are one and the same thing. This truth you will discover after 12 years of marriage. Ask her out again. If it’s a negative the door is shut forever. Then all I can say is, Allan, Allan, Allan. If she agrees then, hey, it’s back to just Allan.

I am 17 and I recently broke up with my boyfriend because he was cheating on me. Now that the relationship has ended. He just doesn’t seem to be bothered. When I see him, I think about the great times we had together. But he is indifferent and has moved on already. What do I do?
—Lonely girl

Lonely girl, you dated a monster. A hairless monster perhaps, but still a monster. Cheating is one thing, but no remorse or compassion towards you is unacceptable. There is no need to help you. Because you’ve already have been helped. He’s gone, and yet you are still stuck in the same place. Get on with it. Think of it as good riddance and find a nice guy instead.

First Published: Aug 26, 2013 14:17 IST