Cyrus Broacha’s guide to waking up at 6am to catch the Oscars live
Here’s how to get up at a godforsaken hour to watch the Oscars liveUpdated: Feb 23, 2017 17:30 IST
I know India is still recovering from the various elections. But we need to be prepared for February 27. And it’s all Donald Trump’s fault, and Obama’s. And Clinton’s. And the Bushes, god bless them both. You see, they’ve always planned the Oscars without a care about India. We are their biggest demographic. Nobody watches American content like we do. It’s a known fact that if Jackson Heights (Queens, New York) hadn’t voted for Trump, he would have lost. Yet, for the past 4,000 years, they’ve had the Oscars at 6am India time. So, to help you catch a glimpse of your favourite awards show (second perhaps only to the Leo Club Matunga Awards), here’s a quick prep routine.
Step 1: You need to wake up. However, getting up early is a challenge for many Indians, raised on the concept of Aryabhatta’s zero and the ideal ‘shunyata’. If you add zero-ness and nothingness, it leads to timelessness, or the antithesis of time, as Chinese philosopher Fa Loan observed in his book, Waiting. As a result, we just don’t get the concept of time.
Step 2: Worry not. There is one simple thing you can do — just stay up all night. You can do this by watching a recording of our very own native Bollywood movie awards. An unedited version should get you through seven hours at least.
Step 3: You could leaf through political rhetoric and double-speak, also known as name-calling, that’s going on in the UP elections. There’s enough to help you make it through the night.
Step 4: Demonetisation has come and gone. But have you really checked everywhere for old notes? Spend the night conducting a thorough check — every cupboard, bag and bed. Thanks to the Oscars, now you are secure in the notes department.
Step 5: Familiarise yourself with foreign names. You need to be clued in with names in French, Swahili, Chinese, Korean, and Iranian. Okay, you may have to cut down on Iranian and Mexican names this year. The White House policy is still a little unclear.
Step 6: Sunday Night Football. If you are into soccer, your problem is solved. Throughout the night, the European Leagues will play. A sign of things to come. While India sleeps, Europeans are playing football. The sheer arrogance.
Step 7: This year is all about action films. Koreans films, and not Hollywood, are actually the best at this genre. So, get yourself a documentary called The Complete Works of Kim Jong Un. It contains thousands of murders graphically explained and debated to the last detail. Interspersed with love ballads, it is also reminiscent of early Bollywood. Grand in scale and breathtaking.
Step 8: You could simply just record it and watch it in the evening like me.
Step 9: Oh, and just in case you do stay up, and your TV reception gives out, don’t worry, you don’t have to waste your morning. There is always our national sport, yoga, which I like to call ‘Asana 9’.
Step 10: This is perhaps the smartest step, since steps were invented sometime in the middle of the 17th century. It’s my favourite step for sure: go back to sleep, reset alarm for 8.30pm, and watch the first repeat telecast, like any sensible person would for crying out loud.
Broacha is a comedian, TV anchor and podcaster. He tweets as @boredbroacha
First Published: Feb 23, 2017 00:00 IST