30 things to know before you turn 30: The love edit

Simmer or sizzle? Forever or for the moment? Escape or endure? Break up or makeup? 30 tips, thoughts, tidbits for those who can’t help falling in love

Of course, we’d tackle love. HT Brunch’s super-popular supercut series has, thus far, offered advice on adulting, money, careers, managing time and making it big. How could we leave out the biggest emotion?

Family, friends, siblings, and partners - here’s all the advice on relationships you need before you’re 30. (DESIGN BY AZAD MOHAN PANWAR)

We asked 30 people what they wished they knew about love when they were younger. They went all out! How to find love and keep it. When to say “I Love You”. Loving your sibling, parent and judgy second cousin. Holding on to that circle of besties that’s drifting apart. Staying in touch and knowing when to move on. No spoilers. Here’s a guide to loving and living better.

Cherish the friendships that develop over time, says Nirav Mehta.

Nirav Mehta, 33, founder of Broke Bibliophiles Bombay book club. I wish I had known the value of committing to friendships for the long haul rather than expecting quick turnarounds. Some relationships need space and time to develop. Cherish the friendships that allow you to pick up where you left off, no matter how long it’s been since you last connected.

Be fully present, connect and be vulnerable instead of hiding behind a screen, says Devangi Nishar Parekh.

Devangi Nishar Parekh, 36, director, Aza Fashions. By the time you turn 30, you should have learnt to lift your head up from the screen and focus on the real life and love around you. Be fully present, connect and be vulnerable rather than hiding behind the phone.

Nikhil Sharma advises young people to make good memories with their parents.

Nikhil Sharma, 38, content creator and entrepreneur. When I was younger, I used to get upset about the little things. I convinced myself that my parents didn’t get me, and I distanced myself from them. They always loved me. I wish I could’ve travelled more with them, especially my father, who loved travelling. Make good memories with your parents as an adult. This shapes your life later on.

Mallika Parekh says to make time for loved ones the way you make time for meetings.

Mallika Parekh, 42, founder of Physique 57 India and co-founder, CEO, Fluent Health. Your 20s teach you how to manage your work within a timeframe. Use that for key relationships too. Add family and friend visits to your calendar they way you log a business meeting. Both are crucial. And time with loved ones is limited.

Identify the core values that will make a relationship work, says Siddhant Goenka.

Siddhant Goenka, 32, songwriter and artist. At the risk of sounding cynical, I learned that everything is temporary. Looks, yes, but also the initial passion, the hours spent on the phone, the cute gestures. By 30 you should be able to identify what’s at the core of the person you love. How do they react when there’s no time for dinner dates, when one of you is in a bad mood? Are they honest when something is troubling them? That’s the true test of how the relationship will fare.

Never miss out on the chance to say “I love you”, says Arpita Mukherjee.

Arpita Mukherjee, 36, content creator (@IKabir_Yadav). Whenever you get a chance, say I love you, not just to a romantic partner. Say it to your parents, to your friends, to your partner, your kids. We do this as a family of four. It’s helped our kids, Kabir and Khia, to express themselves. The world is heartless, tough, competitive, fast and busy enough.

Speak up and express discomfort you may be feeling in your relationships, says Sanaea Bubber.

Sanaea Bubber, 30, musician and content creator (@SanaeaBubber). To have truly grown is to have learnt to identify and set boundaries with the people we want in our lives. So many younger people compromise their autonomy with their own families. Learn to express discomfort before you turn 30. It will redefine the way you communicate with people who have thus far only seen you has the child.

Rajiv Talreja says you can either be right or kind in a relationship.

Rajiv Talreja, 37, founder of Quantum Leap Learning Solutions. It sounds bizarre but this is really useful: You can either be right, or you can be kind. In a relationship, if you’re busy being right, you’ll only get stuck in the trap of correcting your loved ones. And correction disconnects people. Also, by your 30s, you should have figured out that people matter more than things. Your house help may probably break a glass. They matter more than the crockery.

Sailee Bhiwandkar’s advice is to never change who you are for someone else. (SANDEEP MAKWANA)

Sailee Bhiwandkar, 32, motorcylist and fashion designer. Never become somebody else’s checklist. A partner shouldn’t shape what you eat, what you wear, and how you behave. The first person you fall for may not be the last. Are you going to keep changing yourself for every relationship? On the flip side, don’t imagine that choosing a partner is like ordering a custom-made toy. People are who they are. Hoping to change them is a formula for disaster.

Put in efforts to stay in touch with your siblings as you age, says Joseph Radhik.

Joseph Radhik, 41, photographer and entrepreneur. Reach out to parents and siblings to talk to them about things beyond how your day went. They are the closest link to your past, and you’d regret not having these conversations more when they are gone. I grew up with two siblings, which meant I always had a pair of best friends, even though we changed a lot of schools. As we hit our 20s, travel and work kept us away for the most part. Staying in touch means we are the same friends that hung out together.

Stuti Dhanuka says important conversations should always be held in person.

Stuti Dhanuka, 51, managing director and founder, khadi clothing brand Terra Luna. By the time you’re 30, you should have figured out how to communicate with grace and dignity. Don’t correct or criticise any person in public, not just a loved one. Don’t have important conversations over WhatsApp or SMS – that’s just childish. When there’s a disagreement, hold your ground, by all means, but aim to have your say, rather than win a battle.

For heaven’s sake, explore your sexuality, says Zervaan Bunshah.

Zervaan Bunshah, 30, content creator (@Bunshah). The thing to understand is that before you hit 30, you have 10 full years of the 20s. For heaven’s sake, explore your sexuality, figure out who you are and how you can love. Don’t get into serious relationships before you even know what you’re seeking.

Analee Cerejo says having just few close friends matters; it’s not necessary to have a large circle.

Analee Cerejo, 39, mimicry artist and content creator (@AnaleeCerejo). Don’t wait until you’re 30 to curate who’s really within your circle of trust. Treasure friends who inspire you to be your best self and be a good friend to them in return. You don’t need a big group to be relevant. Examine friendships early, so there’s less resentment later.

Learn to spend time with yourself and enjoy it, says Amrit Pal Singh.

Amrit Pal Singh, 35, visual artist. Finding the right partner takes time, but it’s hardly the only purpose of life. So, when you’re young, learn to spend time with yourself and enjoy it. Once you do, it’s surprising how you end up finding more people who share your interests. Also, dating apps don’t work. All they do is keep you wondering what else is out there. I gave it up after two years!

Wait until the other person is calm before bringing up serious conversation topics, says Sunaina Roshan.

Sunaina Roshan, 52, co-producer. By your 30s you’ve probably realised how important it is to communicate well. But it’s essential to know how timing plays a part too. Wait until the other person is calm and open to conversation. There’s less chance of them getting defensive, or misunderstanding you.

The person you call your best friend may not necessarily consider you theirs, so be careful, says Aprajita Toor.

Aprajita Toor, 39, founder of footwear brand Aprajita Toor. A memorable piece of advice I received from my best friend was, that the person you call your best friend, may not necessarily consider you their bestie. I learnt this at age eight. So, share only as much information as you can forgive a person for passing on or forgetting.

Have open conversations about your sexual desires, says Anushka Gupta.

Anushka Gupta, 32, co-founder of MyMuse India. Your 20s are the time to discover your preferences and learn how to communicate them. I wish I could have been more honest with my partner about what I wanted, as well as tell my own family that I wanted time to myself, and not immediately begin a family. Indian women aren’t taught to have open conversations about our sexual desires. We’re often left struggling to reconcile tradition with our need for pleasure. So, before you turn 30, talk about difficult subjects, so you can build healthier relationships.

Vandana Jagwani says relationships last when you forgive people first without waiting for them to apologise.

Vandana Jagwani, 32, founder of jewellery brand Vandals. The relationships you have when you’re young will endure only when you forgive people without waiting for them to apologise. My best friend is my father, and we are like Tom and Jerry. We upset each other a lot, especially since we work together. But there’s so much love, we can’t stay angry. So, we make up or make changes, no apologies needed. It’s helped me let go of grudges.

In your 20s, relationships are more about understanding yourself than about the other person, says Veena Ashiya.

Veena Ashiya, 40, CEO and founder, Monrow Shoes. I wish I had acknowledged the pain I was carrying from my parents’ relationship. Had I talked about it within my close circles, my loved ones might have understood why I behaved in a certain way. One of the biggest lessons I learned in my 20s is that relationships are more about understanding oneself than about the other person. Tap into this knowledge.

Niketa Sharma advises young people to be kind to both themself and their partner.

Niketa Sharma, 35, CEO and director, SP Motels and Keish Hospitality. I’ve found five things that make a relationship endure: Consistency in keeping the connection alive, noticing their small habits, reciprocating acts of love, being grateful for them, and being kind – both to yourself and your partner.

Don’t neglect family time when you’re in your 20s, advises Riya Jain.

Riya Jain, 30, luxury fashion influencer (@RiyaJain). As a young adult, I wish I had toned down my rebellious nature and been more patient with my parents. Spending more time with them and trying to understand their values would have helped strike a better balance and prevented me from neglecting family time.

Cherish your time with loved ones before it’s too late, says Rahul Akerkar.

Rahul Akerkar, 66, creative and culinary director, Ode Dining. It may be a cliche but remember that life is short and unpredictable. I remember arguing with my daughter, Amalia, one night over a school presentation. She was 15 then. We both had different opinions on how it should be done. The next morning, we found out that she’d had a stroke. She survived. But I learnt too late that I should be able to agree to disagree, and cherish my time with the people that mean the world to me.

Keep enough distance from a loved one to maintain individuality, says Aili Seghetti.

Aili Seghetti, 50, dating, relationship and intimacy coach. Keep enough distance from a loved one to miss them and maintain a sense of individuality. This distance isn’t about creating emotional or physical gaps, but about giving each other room to breathe, grow, and know who they are. Younger people need a sense of independence and boundaries to form healthy relationships. Otherwise, they become co-dependent.

Be open and empathetic instead of just brutally honest, says Vedika Chamria.

Vedika Chamria, 30, founder of Alyssa Fine Jewellery. I’ve learned two lessons the hard way. Firstly, brutal honesty can sometimes be misinterpreted, so empathy is crucial. And, being always available can lead to burnout and losing oneself. Use your 20s to prioritise self-care, set boundaries, and maintain a sense of identity outside of your relationships.

Anjali Patel Mehta says you should make every effort to salvage a relationship that’s important to you.

Anjali Patel Mehta, 45, founder, designer and creative director of the luxury clothing label Verandah. It’s important to have fun in every relationship. But young people tend to go all-or-nothing right away. If a relationship is important to you, don’t let go until you’ve made every effort to salvage it. Friends and partners can last for a lifetime if you accept their differences.

Srishti Kapur says to go all-out and enjoy making memories with your significant other.

Srishti Kapur, 41, founder of design and décor studio Floral Art. My advice? Go all out! Try everything, make mistakes, date, travel together, and live your life to the fullest. I met my husband in my 20s. Back then, we had no idea we’d end up married. Now, here we are, welcoming our baby into the world. Life’s a wild ride, so embrace every moment and enjoy the journey!

Salomi Shah says to be mindful of relationships that drain your energy levels.

Salomi Shah, 31, founder of jewellery brand Mozaati. Be mindful, early on, of relationships that drain your energy. If someone isn’t supportive of your goals or puts you down, that’s a major red flag. Also, pay attention to how conflicts are handled—if there’s a lack of respect or an unwillingness to compromise, it’s a sign that the relationship, even an old friendship, won’t have a future.

Durjoy Datta says you should fight the argument, not the person.

Durjoy Datta, 38, writer. When you’re in a fight, don’t aim to get creative with the low blows or say things just to hurt the other person. My wife and I met in our late 20s, and we’ve made it work by rolling with the changes. We all have a mean streak, but once you cross that line, it’s hard to go back. Fight the argument, not the person.

Oscar Pereira says you should hold onto the little things that make a relationship great.

Oscar Pereira, 61, founder of CodeSkin. A good tip for those starting out in relationships, or holding on to friendships as they grow up, is to focus on the quirks and everyday moments of that dynamic. It’s not the grand gestures that keep the spark alive, but the small stuff— knowing how they take their coffee or laughing, again, at the same joke. Love is being patient when your partner forgets where they left their purse (again), and finding joy in growing old together.

Don’t rush into a relationship based on chemistry alone, says Gaurav Tandon.

Gaurav Tandon, 44, managing director, Limited Edt. A lot of people get caught up in the superficial stuff when looking for a partner, especially with dating apps and social media. It’s easy to focus on profiles and pictures instead of what really matters—like shared values and genuine connection. Sometimes, the rush for instant chemistry can overshadow the importance of taking time to truly get to know someone.

From HT Brunch, September 07, 2024

Follow us on www.instagram.com/htbrunch