Connection lost? How to stay in touch with a friend who’s swamped with life

“Friendships suffer when one person either outgrows the other or when they view the others’ life decisions as obstacles rather than elements to bond the friendship,” says Malvika Lobo, psychologist at The Thought Co. When Pallavi Gurtoo moved to London to work in 2021, she missed her friends terribly. They worked out a system. Every month, one would buy the other a gift card, for either groceries, Amazon or a restaurant. “Even if we don’t talk for weeks, when I get that little notification or when I send her a gift card – I can see her Amazon wish list – we know we’re thinking of each other,” she says.

When Mary Martina got married in October 2018, she moved from Delhi to Mumbai, a city where she knew next to no one. “A friend of mine would FaceTime me every Saturday morning,” she says Martina. She had a baby this year. “The best thing my friends did after I just gave birth was to give me space and not insist that I connect with them in the days just after that,” Martina recalls. She did appreciate that they actively started to check in within a couple of weeks. “I appreciate the fact that one friend takes time out of her week to gush over my baby and keep me posted.” Acknowledging the changes that your friend is going through is a small, but crucial thing to do. “It is important to see your friend’s evolution, how they’ve changed with location, parenting, partnership,” Lobo says. “Picking up on those changes can help you understand who they are right now and how they got here.”

Vandana Dhiman Kohli got married in 2017 and moved to Abu Dhabi with her husband. They moved back last year and now have a son. Good friendships aren’t hung up on the past, she’s found. “Instead of us going out to a cafe, my friend picks up coffee (decaf for me) and comes over once every couple of weeks,” says Kohli. “It’s a nice way for us to keep up our little traditions without pressure on me to leave the house with a baby and 100 bags filled with diapers and pacifiers. Sometimes she’ll come over and just hang out with my son. That lets me have a long shower and feel human again.”

All relationships are transactional in some way and are rarely 50/50. Lobo suggests reassessing how much time and energy you both currently have to give to the friendship. “This is important as it can relieve a lot of pressure on one to carry the weight of the other. For example, maybe after one moves away, both friends give 20/30. It isn’t equal but it’s what they can do to make it work.” And sometimes half a friendship is better than loneliness.