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Decoding dating today: What’s OK, what’s not, in relationships now
Is long-distance OK? What about sex before marriage? is ghosting all right? What’s a total no-go? Actors Arjun Mathur and Adarsh Gourav offer their opinions
Love crosses borders. It shatters defences. It breaks all the rules. But what happens if the rules keep changing ? What happens when the “I love you” admission comes too late (or worse, too early!) in a relationship? At what point is it ok to meet the family even if you both have no plans for forever? Can relationships hit Pause with both parties knowing what that even means?
We asked actors Arjun Mathur and Adarsh Gourav to weigh in on what constitutes a red flag in a relationship these days. Mathur, 42, was nominated for an Emmy for Made in Heaven (2020), and is prepping for the release of Lord Curzon Ki Haveli, a dark comedy thriller and is working on a series based on the book God of Sin. Gourav, 29, shot to fame with White Tiger (2020) and won us over in Guns & Gulaab (2023), and will soon be seen in Kho Gaye Hum Kahan. Both are in healthy relationships, so who better to call out red flags when they see them.
Ghosting the person you’re dating.
Arjun: A red flag! The foundation of a relationship is being present. Absence is justified in an emergency. It’s ok for you and your partner to want space every now and then. But it can’t be an absence with one person not knowing what’s going on. Why be in a relationship with a ghost?
Adarsh: Ghosting isn’t something I take to kindly unless it’s an emergency or informed decision. If you have to disappear, the relationship wasn’t honest.
Sharing social-media passwords.
Arjun: Not sure if this is a red flag. If someone wants to share them, then sure. But it’s not okay to ask your partner for their passwords. My partner knows mine because I cycle between them.
Adarsh: You could. It makes it healthy because you trust each other and there’s transparency. Go for it.
PDA, or lack of it, on social platforms.
Arjun: Too little or none at all is okay. If they are not comfortable with it, that should be respected. But too much of it – every second post – is a reddish flag because it’s usually covering up for something lacking in the individual or the relationship.
Adarsh: Not a red flag. It’s a personal choice. I’m comfortable with my partner and have put up (such) posts in the past. But I do get people who don’t want to do that.
Having no online presence.
Arjun: If someone doesn’t have a social media account, treasure them!
Adarsh: I would prefer not to have a social media account because it’s distracting. But it helps in my profession, and brings in a supplementary income.
Taking the phone to the bathroom.
Arjun: Totally fine. We used to read magazines in the bathroom. Now, phones are a part of our bathroom environment.
Adarsh: Yeah! We both take our phones to the bathroom. That’s where I reply to most of my unanswered texts, listen to music or watch stupid videos.
Not meeting family or friends a year into dating.
Arjun: Red flag. If there is good reason to not introduce you, be open to it and hear your partner out. If there’s no explanation, then they aren’t comfortable including you in other aspects of their life. Most families have some internal dynamics that outsiders find difficult to understand. If you’re worried that your family will embarrass you, your partner should at least have the benefit of the doubt.
Adarsh: Red flag. I want to meet my partner’s family and friends to see where they come from. I want to see the love between them and how they treat each other. It helps me understand my partner better.
No steady income and no plans for it.
Arjun: I am a freelancer! Most creative people don’t have a fixed incomes. But income is different from the drive to do things. The person must have the desire to do something. Being a bum? That’s red flag.
Adarsh: Red flag. I would never want to be with someone who is completely dependent on me. That’s scary.
Saying “I love you”, sober, on the first date.
Arjun: Run!
Adarsh: It’s a bit of a red flag to me.
No admissions of love, three years on.
Arjun: Again, run!
Adarsh: It’s a BIG red flag. Three years is a long time for someone to figure if they are in love with me or not.
Staying on dating apps after starting a relationship.
Arjun: Unless the couple is experimenting together, it’s a red flag. Neeyat kharab hai! (the intentions are bad)
Adarsh: Red flag. Exclusivity is a must for me.
Wanting to take a break from the relationship every now and then.
Arjun: That’s a red flag. It encourages the notion that it’s okay for a partner to drop and run when things are a bit tough. As partners, you’ve got to commit to the good times and the bad.
Adarsh: Big red flag. It indicates an unsteady mind and heart that doesn’t know what it wants.
No sex before marriage.
Arjun: Not a red flag. Honestly, to each their own.
Adarsh: Doesn’t work for me. It’s important for me to experience things with my partner physically before I make the choice.
Believing that a partner is a part-time therapist.
Arjun: Not a red flag. To some degree, it’s how most relationships work. We choose partners we can talk to and who can show us a perspective we wouldn’t see ourselves. We learn a lot about ourselves through our relationships. But one person taking all the energy and not putting the same back is a red flag.
Adarsh: Not a red flag. You share your joys and sorrows with your partner. When you have lows, you discuss them. If they can’t be around you during such times, it’s a shame. You have to be emotionally vulnerable to each other.
Wanting to spend a year’s earnings on one holiday.
Arjun: Show me this person! I think it’s cool. It’s an individual decision. If you’re willing to start re-saving when you return, why not?
Adarsh: Well, depends on what kind of holiday it is and how much you’ve earned in the year!
Refusing to get along with existing pets.
Arjun: Definitely a red flag. I didn’t understand cats until I got together with my partner and she left him with me. Then, I was obsessed with the guy. Hate, in general, is a red flag.
Adarsh: Absolutely a red flag. Don’t make someone give up an animal for you. I love animals. As does my partner. I’m very lucky that way.
Widely different tastes in music or pop culture.
Arjun: Not a red flag. This person is just different from you. It’s pretty amazing at times to discover a whole other realm of music and culture you knew nothing of.
Adarsh: Big red flag. Music taste is crucial. My partner and I bond over music.
Being close with an ex.
Arjun: Red flag. You are going to be disappointed in the future.
Adarsh: Red flag. It takes time for people to move on. Being BFFs with your ex just makes the new relationship uncomfortable. Especially if they are still in love with my partner.
Not being able to handle your emotional outbursts.
Arjun: You are the red flag. If your partner is gracious enough, they may be able to help you in some way. But know that it isn’t theirs to handle in the first place.
Adarsh: Depends on how crazy the outbursts are. I don’t see why a partner should handle it. See a therapist.
It’s always going to be long-distance.
Arjun: Red flag. That’s not a life together. You’re just pen pals or meme pals!
Adarsh: Red flag. Physical intimacy is a prerequisite for me and the idea of touch is important.
Stalking your close friends of the opposite gender on social media.
Arjun: Red flag! There is no reason to do this.
Adarsh: Red flag. It’s a bit problematic as it shows the insecurity of the person.
Micromanaging and insisting on doing everything together.
Arjun: Red flag. You’ve got to be able to do some things on your own. If you both are getting to do what you want and if it’s together, there’s nothing wrong with it. Planning every second of every day, leaves no room for spontaneity, though.
Adarsh: Both are a problem. Too much planning kills the mood. Wanting to do everything together results in a lack of space and I like my space.
Not touching alcohol or drinking every day.
Arjun: Being a teetotaller is not a red flag. Too much drinking is. If someone is drinking to lose their mind, it’s a bad sign.
Adarsh: It’s fine to be a teetotaller but very problematic to be a heavy drinker.
Wanting to give your wardrobe a makeover.
Arjun: Depends on how badly you need it! Examine the request. Does your wardrobe really need an update or is this just another reason to exert control?
Adarsh: Not a red flag. My partner should be comfortable with who I am. She can make suggestions but ultimately it’s not up to her.
Dating someone who’s dated your sibling.
Arjun: *Shocked silence* If all parties are okay with it, then perhaps it is okay? Not a red flag. You’ve got to allow hearts to change and grow.
Adarsh: No chance. It’s very weird to be share something with your partner that you’ve already shared with their sibling.
