‘I would think how would I survive this day’: Robin Uthappa reveals battles with depression
“There were times where I wasn’t even thinking about cricket, it was probably the farthest thing in my mind. I was thinking about how I would survive this day and move on to the next, what’s happening to my life and in which direction am I heading,” Uthappa said.Updated: Jun 04, 2020 11:59 IST
India batsman Robin Uthappa opened up on his battles with clinical depression and revealed that he had suicidal thoughts on a daily basis between 2009 and 2011. Speaking in a session of ‘Mind, Body and Soul’, a platform brought forward by The Royal Rajasthan Foundation. “When I made my debut in 2006, I wasn’t overtly aware of myself. A lot of learning and development has happened since then. Right now, I am extremely aware of myself and really clear on my thoughts and myself. It’s easier for me to catch myself now if I’m slipping somewhere in someplace,” the right-handed batsman said.
“I feel I ‘ve reached this place because I’ve gone through those tough phases wherein, I was clinically depressed and had suicidal thoughts. I remember around 2009 to 2011, it was constant and I would deal with that on a daily basis.
“There were times where I wasn’t even thinking about cricket, it was probably the farthest thing in my mind. I was thinking about how I would survive this day and move on to the next, what’s happening to my life and in which direction am I heading.
“Cricket kept my mind off of these thoughts but it became really difficult on non-match days and during the offseason. On days I would just be sitting there and would think to myself on the count of three, I’m going to run and jump off of the balcony but something kind of just held me back,” he further revealed.
Uthappa further added that he started maintaining a diary and also sought help from outside to learn about himself as a person. “That is when I started noting this down about myself in a diary and started the process of just understanding myself as a person. I then started to seek outside help to make those changes I wanted to make in my life,” he said.
Uthappa, who was part of India’s 2007 T20I World Cup-winning squad, further said that negative thoughts are necessary for the growth of a player. “I feel sometimes being negative is necessary. I’m someone who believes in the balance of life and I believe one cannot at all times be positive in life. Being negative or having negative experiences, going through trials and tribulations is sometimes necessary for one’s own growth,” Uthappa said.
“For me, all my experiences have moulded me into the person I am today and I have no regrets on my negative experience as they’ve helped me develop positively.
“You need to go through the lulls to make you feel ecstatic about the positives. I feel life is about balance and we can’t have it one way, a lopsided life is not going to be great, both negative and positive experiences are essential,” the 34-year-old added.
(With inputs from IANS)