At this point, 100% of my single clients want me to suggest “any other way” to meet eligible people besides the dating and matrimony apps.
So, over the past year, I’ve been working with some of them to figure out how to help them meet like-mined singles offline. A simple three-step approach has met with some success.
Now, these steps aren’t as easy as swiping, chatting, and turning up at a pin on a map. They take some effort, planning,
At this point, 100% of my single clients want me to suggest “any other way” to meet eligible people besides the dating and matrimony apps.
So, over the past year, I’ve been working with some of them to figure out how to help them meet like-mined singles offline. A simple three-step approach has met with some success.
Now, these steps aren’t as easy as swiping, chatting, and turning up at a pin on a map. They take some effort, planning, and introspection.
They also involve leaning on people: friends, coworkers, community. They involve asking: How can I bring the best version of myself to an early meeting with a stranger I might like?
But the outcome, for a number of people I have worked with, has been more wholesome and closer to what they were seeking. So here goes.
1. Spread the word: I highly recommend starting the offline search by asking friends for help.
There was a time when friends routinely offered to set a person up. “Hey, I know someone I think you would like.” It used to be as simple as that.
Sadly, we tend to overthink such things these days.
People in your circle probably want to help, and can, but are wondering if an offer to set someone up would be seen as invasive, presumptuous, perhaps even insulting.
As the person looking for a partner, reach out and let it be known that you would be happy to be introduced to like-minded people.
It’s important to commit to this process. Agree to meet every person suggested, at least for a coffee. We have become used to the idea of a quick summary being a good enough measure of a person. Use the offline method to unlearn this, and to start with a fresh slate, rather a pile of preconceived notions that may or may not be accurate.
2. Get out there: Make the effort to turn up. Love art? Show up to as many art shows as possible. Enjoy boardgames? Become a regular at game nights at the local pub or restaurant. Love pottery? Make a group class a weekly or fortnightly habit. Supper clubs, farmer’s markets, alumni meetups, gigs… one of the easiest ways to meet like-minded people is to pick something you especially enjoy, and do it. This has always been true, and it hasn’t changed.
3. Get the vibe right: “So I’m there. I’m meeting someone new. Now what do I do to make this go right,” clients pleadingly ask.
The first thing to work on is getting the vibe right. We all exude an energy. That is simply science. It comes through in the eyes and smile, tone of voice and demeanour. Be aware of the energy you are exuding.
The tendency is to default to nervous and anxious, especially with a stranger one is hoping to go on a date with. Aim for calm, open and positive instead.
This shift is vital because nervous energy can serve as a sort of force field, and not in a good way. It can push people away and make one feel unapproachable.
Aim for four simple things: Calm, warmth, eye contact and sincerity. Talk slower. Smile more.
No one will live or die by the outcome of this evening. The aim is to have a good social encounter. The day doesn’t have to hold any grander expectation than that.
This last bit can often feel like the most daunting.
“How do I stay calm? I tend to feel like my nerves are shredded,” one client says. I recommend a little exercise to centre the self.
Remember Bruce Willis’s speech to himself in the mirror, in Friends? (“You’re just a neat guy… You’re still sexy. You’re a love machine!”) Don’t do that.
A less-dramatic version of the speech, though, is not a bad idea. Think back to a recent occasion when you felt confident, had a good time or made a good impression, whether at work, with friends or with family. Remind yourself to be that person.
Mingle, make small talk. Reach out, gently and respectfully, when the time seems right. Try a little humour: “I feel like I’d rather just start collecting those cats, than doomscroll through the dating apps any more. I mean, there are more-interesting people right here. On that note, shall we get a drink?”
It really doesn’t have to be more complicated than that.
(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in. The views expressed are personal)
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