Letters to Smriti Irani from her many fans
Dear Aunty National,
Why hast thou forsaken us? Who will we fight with now, who will we raise slogans against? Mr Javadekar is saying he wants to talk to us. Against whom will we agitate then? Against Javadekar? Don’t be silly, you can’t make fiery speeches against a man who’s always grinning from ear to ear. The charm of university life has vanished; stretching before us is a dreary existence full of studies and exams. Please come back Auntyji, all is forgiven. We promise we’ll learn Sanskrit. We won’t call you ‘dear.’
Formerly agitating university students
I have recently been rewarded first class in the Board exam from your fine education system. You have been a wonderful minister, a great suppository of wisdom on how to run the education system. I also admire your paroxysm, which led to the booking of the JNU traitors for seduction. And I am in awe of your robust construction, which allows you to work so hard. Your aggravation and combative attitude is a great perspiration to me.
Bunty, Class X pass (1st class)
Dear Smriti aunty,
I am sad you will no longer be my education minister. I have composed a poem to comfort you:
There was a fabulous young minister named Smriti/
Who was both smart and witty/
So they had her shafted/
And they had her shifted/
Which was really a terrible pity.
Love, Bubbly, Class IV
I have been a fan of yours because you did not scrap Sibal Uncle’s no-detention policy which allows us to pass smoothly to class IX, in spite of knowing nothing. We hoped you would extend the scheme to the college level. Please tell Javadekar uncle to complete this unfinished agenda. Otherwise, I and my friends will have no option but to vote against you in about eight years, when we turn eighteen.
Pappu, Class V
Welcome to the Textiles Ministry. To make you feel totally at home, we have made it mandatory for textile mills to organise an essay on Good Governance on Christmas Day, which every textile worker will have to write compulsorily. Should the first essay be on ‘The importance of good governance in education?’
As a welcome gesture, we textile magnates have issued orders to all our mills to fly the national flag prominently to inculcate a sense of nationalism among the textile workers. The flagpole will be precisely 207 feet high, just as you like.
Dear Ms Irani,
We realise that, despite your formidable skills, it may be difficult to be controversial about the Centrally Sponsored Integrated Processing Development Scheme (IPDS) for textiles, or the Amended Technology Upgradation Funds Scheme (ATUFS), or indeed the Modified Comprehensive Powerloom Cluster Development Scheme (CPCDS). Nonetheless, do try your best.
Association of perennially outraged TV anchors and indignant columnists
Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint
The views expressed are personal