E-Paper
Huma Qureshi: These are a few of my least favourite things
Turns out, Huma Qureshi – actor, dancer, celebrity, citizen, woman and internet addict – is only human. Here’s what pisses her off
Starting my day. Every morning, when I wake up, I have 30,000 emails and 20,000 messages to reply to. I literally hate my phone some days. My phone is my lover and my enemy; I can’t live with it and I can’t live without it.
Being a celebrity. It’s not all fun and games. Sometimes when you go somewhere, you don’t want to be recognised. You want to slip in and slip out, but that’s just not possible. Sometimes I’m in the middle of a meal and people come up and say, “Can I take a picture?” I have to tell them, “Can I just finish my meal?” Other times I’m dying to pee and I’m making my way to the bathroom, and there are cameras along the way. There’s no avoiding it, even on a full bladder.
Red-carpet events.
The heels! Oh my god, the heels. Most red-carpet outfits and gowns only look good with heels. And most high-heeled shoes are designed for pain and torture. I think it’s the last standing bastion of misogyny. It’s really cruel. There have been so many times when I’ve done my picture on the red carpet and then immediately taken off my shoes because I just couldn’t walk in them.
Learning dance routines.
You know you have to do it. But some days, it honestly feels like you’ve got two left feet and they’re just not going where they’re meant to. I always get the steps right the next day. With me, this is common: If I learn something today, I always do it better tomorrow. Somehow overnight, I improve miraculously. Maybe it’s muscle memory.
Fashion trends that keep changing. What does “trending” mean? I see people struggle to identify, source, buy and put themselves into the look of the moment, and endlessly chase the next big trend. Most styles are out of fashion in two weeks or two months. Who decided that? Why so? It pisses me off.
Dates that don’t put in the effort. I think the least you can do, if a woman is going out with you, is to make her laugh, man. Come on. Basics. Often, we’re out chatting, and I realise I’m funnier than he is. We’re not asking for the moon.
Relationships. No, let’s make this specific. Men. Errr... boys!
People who don’t listen the first time I say something. You know the kind? After you say something, they go ‘Huh, huh? What, what?” and I’m going, “I literally just told you!”. It makes me want to punch somebody.
Flights and airports.
They seem designed to deflate a vacation bubble. I just want to get to a location, I don’t like the process of travelling. It’s so tedious. I’d rather just teleport. Beam me up, Scotty.
Flight frogs. There’s a special place in hell for people who stand up and want to hop off the plane as soon as it stops. Everybody is going to get off... what’s the rush? The crew starts announcing, “Please sit down” but people behave like they can’t hear. They’re desperate to sprint out. It’s rude.
Some best friends. You have to mother them all the time. I want friends, I don’t want to be an unpaid therapist. Actually, that’s not true. I secretly love listening. I’m amazing at giving advice.
Nagging aunties. “When are you getting married?” “What are you wearing?” “Why are you still single?” I don’t get it a lot but that’s what aunties are known for. They just have to comment on everything.
Being a woman.
Oh boy, so much about this makes me angry. The world can be very triggering. Every day you read about some kind of crime against women. It’s so normalised. I find that very scary. Women’s bodies are politicised, abused, commodified. How can anyone not be angry?
The wage gap. I don’t get paid as much as my male buddies. It’s so disrespectful. We’re on the same level, doing the same amount of work. So why am I paid less? What’s so wrong about equal pay for equal work?
The price of popcorn at cinema halls.
I have to think twice before ordering, it’s that expensive. There, I said it!
All the streaming platforms.
They’re great for audiences, don’t get me wrong. But there are so many of them now. I can’t keep track of which ones I’ve subscribed to, and which one need renewing. People are watching everything, recommending everything on every network. How are they doing it all? And, some of these apps have a terrible interface.
Having a sibling.
I live with my brother, so everything about him annoys me, obviously. When he breathes, when he walks, when he sneezes, when he winks, when he exists. I’m just like, “Why are you like this?” I tell my parents, “Why couldn’t you have had just one, me, and then been done with it? Why reinvent the wheel?”
Online trolls. All those opinions, all that hate, all the abuse, and no identity? Too many people also seem to think they have a PhD in subjects they know nothing about, and are convinced that their opinions matter, on subjects that don’t concern them at all. We need a stronger verification process for public platforms. It has to be stricter. We have shown that we’re not capable of dealing with social media. It’s a privilege that we can’t handle.
Delhi traffic, Delhi boys. Let’s be more specific, shall we? Uncouth behaviour by select Delhi boys.
Mumbai heat. How it is so hot and so humid for so many months of the year? I don’t understand it. But I’m a Mumbai girl, through and through. My loyalties are very much in place.
Interviews. Having to answer all the questions and follow-up questions. Specifically, this interview. It’s my worst one, ever. Hahahahaha. You HAVE to print this!
