Why do we keep replaying conversations in our heads? Therapist Jeffrey Meltzer explains and shares what to do instead

Replaying a conversation again and again can make it seem worse that it actually was; therapist explains why that happens and the steps we can take to avoid it.

If you replay conversations that you have had over and over in your head, you are not alone. It is a habit that many have picked up, often involuntarily, and one that often leads to regrets.

Taking to Instagram on August 4, Florida-based therapist Jeffrey Meltzer explained why we do this to ourselves, and what can be done to get out of this dreadful loop.

Reason for replay conversations in our heads

There are many stages of replaying an interaction with another person in our heads, even hours after it has taken place. One can think things like, "Why did I say that?" or "What is wrong with me?"

This can lead to the interaction starting to feel much worse than it actually felt in the moment. According to Jeffrey, the replaying of conversations often happens because the brain wants certainty. “It wants to know exactly what the other person thought about you. It wants confirmation that you did not say the wrong thing or leave a bad impression,” he noted.

However, it is not possible for a person to fully know what is happening inside another person's mind. One cannot know whether the person they spoke with is still thinking about the conversation, how they interpreted it, or whether they even noticed the thing that the person is worried about.

“Your brain does not like leaving that question unanswered because the brain is designed to solve problems. It keeps returning to the conversation as though thinking about it one more time will finally give you closure,” shared Jeffrey.

But there's no answer the brain can produce that will feel completely certain. So one replays it again and again, and every time they review the conversation, the brain learns that this interaction must be important or dangerous.

How to stop replaying the conversations?

According to Jeffrey, one can try to get out of this habit, but that involves having a conversation with oneself.

“Instead of trying to force certainty, practice accepting that you may never fully know what the other person thought,” stated the therapist. “You can tell yourself, maybe they thought something negative about me, maybe they didn't. I cannot know for sure, and I do not need to figure it out.”

“You may need to repeat that several times because acceptance usually does not happen the first time you say it. Your brain has to repeatedly experience uncertainty without trying to solve it. Over time, your brain can learn that an unanswered social question is uncomfortable, but it is not dangerous,” he added.

It is when the brain stops searching for an answer that does not exist that it becomes much easier to let the conversation go.

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. This report is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them.

Jeffrey Meltzer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor based in Florida. He graduated with a Master's in Mental Health Counselling from the University of South Florida and has been providing therapy services for over seven years.