Is there a way to make your partner do what you want? Therapist Jeff Guenther explains

Jeff Guenther shares how we can make it easier for our partner to do what we want.

For some couples, making your partner do what you want needs no extra effort; for others, it is the source of many conflicts. Taking to Instagram on September 9, Jeff Guenther, therapist and couples counsellor with over 20 years of experience, addressed the issue and explained if there is any way to make our partners do what we want them to do.

How to make your partner do what you want

The first step, according to the therapist, is to write down what we want our partners to do. “All of it,” he stated. No matter whether it feels momentous or trivial, everything gets jotted down on paper or on the notes app on the phone.

The second step is the most important.

“Take that list and for every single item, ask yourself, ‘What am I doing that makes it harder for them to give me this?’” stated Jeff. “Because, and I say this knowing that, of course, you are not the problem, babe. You are a perfect partner. We know this. But maybe, just maybe, you're not like a neutral party here.”

“You want them to open up more, but the last time they did, you brought it up during a fight. Maybe not the best move. You want them to plan things, but you have like a thousand edits every time they try to,” he continued, highlighting how this might lead to a person going on the backfoot.

What can ultimately be done?

Unfortunately, no one can “make” their partner do anything, pointed out Jeff. What one can do, however, is make sure that they are not making the things they want their partner to do harder for them.

“And hey, if you really think you're the perfect babe and you genuinely cannot figure out what you're doing that's getting in the way, all you've got to do is ask them. Be like, ‘I really want you to plan more of our dates. Is there anything I do that makes that hard?’ And then this is a real skill: just accept the answer,” stated the therapist.

“Quick thing, though, if you do all of this, you get out of the way, you ask, you actually change, and they still over and over do not do the thing, that's not a communication problem anymore. That's just like really good information for you,” he added.

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.

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Jeff Guenther is a licensed professional counsellor based in Portland, Oregon. He has a master's degree in marriage and family therapy from the University of Southern California and a bachelor's degree in child and family development from San Diego State University.