The loss of desire is one of the biggest challenges that romantic partners have to face in long-term relationships. No matter if they are staying together or apart, sometimes, things fall into a routine, and they stop experiencing the spark that they once did.
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Taking to Instagram on August 30, therapist Jeff Guenther explained why that happens, and what can be done about it.
What kills desire in long-term relationships?
According to Jeff, the number one thing that kills desire in long-term relationships is not any of the usual culprits. It is not stress, or boredom, or just growing old and falling out of love. Rather, it is something that he calls “emotional fusion.”
{{/usCountry}}According to Jeff, the number one thing that kills desire in long-term relationships is not any of the usual culprits. It is not stress, or boredom, or just growing old and falling out of love. Rather, it is something that he calls “emotional fusion.”
{{/usCountry}}Explaining what that is, the therapist stated, “It's when two people become emotionally entangled, so merged, so ‘we do everything together,’ that they slowly lose their individuality. And guess what? Desire does not thrive in sameness. It needs space. It needs otherness. It needs a little mystery.”
Jeff pointed out that people often want both security and excitement from the same person. And that tension is what makes desire feel alive.
“It's the same feeling you get when you first start dating. But if you're always in the same routine, same dynamic, same emotional wavelength, desire just sort of starts to fade,” he noted. “Not because anything is wrong. You could be in a deeply secure relationship. It's just that there's not enough distance to ignite the spark.”
How to get the spark back in a relationship?
The good news is that the spark can be reintroduced in a relationship. According to Jeff, the way to do that is to reintroduce separateness.
“You let yourselves be two whole humans with each other, not extensions of each other,” he explained. “You follow your own curiosities. You do things apart, not just together. You remember that watching your partner shine without you is sometimes what makes you want to (get intimate) later.”
“You flirt again. You tease. You create space so that wanting and that yearning can return,” continued Jeff. “And quick disclaimer, this does not mean becoming distant or detached. It means holding on to your own identity because that's what keeps you interesting, hot, and desire-worthy in the long run.”
Long-term love isn't the death of desire, but emotional fusion might actually be, cautioned the therapist. “So, if you want more spark, give each other just enough space to miss each other.”
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.
This report is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them.
Jeff Guenther is a licensed professional counsellor based in Portland, Oregon. He has a master's degree in marriage and family therapy from the University of Southern California and a bachelor's degree in child and family development from San Diego State University.
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