Chennai-born Laxman Sivaramakrishnan, who played 25 international matches for India during his five-year career, on Wednesday opened up about a haunting racism ordeal inside the Indian dressing room during the 1982–83 tour of Pakistan — an incident that left him in tears.
Despite not even being 17, Sivaramakrishnan, who had shown immense promise in the Ranji Trophy, was part of the Indian squad touring Pakistan. He celebrated his birthday during the tour, but what should have been a special moment turned deeply distressing.
Speaking to The Indian Express, the 60-year-old recalled how an unnamed teammate made a racial remark when he was called to cut the cake.
“Hey Sunny, you ordered the right colour cake. Such a dark chocolate cake for a dark boy.”
Sivaramakrishnan said the comment left him shattered.
“I started crying and refused to cut the cake. Then Sunil Gavaskar had to pacify me and then I cut the cake with tears in my eyes,” he said.
{{/usCountry}}“I started crying and refused to cut the cake. Then Sunil Gavaskar had to pacify me and then I cut the cake with tears in my eyes,” he said.
{{/usCountry}}He revealed that this was not an isolated incident.
At the age of 14, he was once mistaken for a ground staff member by a senior Indian batter and asked to clean his shoes. In domestic cricket, he said, he was called “Karupa” in the Tamil Nadu dressing room, while crowds in north India chanted “Kalia.”
There were also moments of public humiliation. At a hotel in Mumbai — now the Trident at Nariman Point — he was once stopped by a gatekeeper who refused to believe he was part of the Indian team, citing his age and appearance. He was made to wait for nearly an hour before a teammate arrived to confirm his identity.
“After that I realised I should take the keys with me. But I would be trembling when I got near the gate for the fear of being rejected and kicked out again," he recalled.
Even on his debut tour, the hostility continued. For a month in Pakistan, he was subjected to similar chants from the crowd.
Sivaramakrishnan said such experiences deeply impacted his confidence and self-worth at a young age, leaving lasting psychological scars.
“All these things put me in a position where I had very low self-esteem as a person. And when you have such very low self-esteem at a tender age, you talk about confidence — it is very hard to build confidence. I always wanted to forget, forget, forget but deep down in your subconscious it’s always rooted and it comes out.
“I was down completely and I didn’t want to see myself in the mirror. I would have a couple of drinks and go to sleep because I could not bear anything. Whenever I was awake I thought I was going to die.”
He also spoke about experiencing suicidal thoughts.
“Sometimes when we were travelling in Dubai during IPL, there’s no speed limit. If the vehicle went very fast, something would tell me in my mind just to open the door and jump out. Somehow, something stopped me from doing anything silly.”
Sivaramakrishnan further revealed how the trauma affected his sleep.
“You close your eyes, you see images that you can’t imagine. All very frightening. You open your eyes, there’s nothing. But you’re so tired that you want to sleep. You close your eyes — dreadful things. Open your eyes — nothing. Again you’re convinced there’s nothing wrong. Close your eyes. For a while. Again. Open your eyes. So there goes your sleep … ”
The former cricketer, who last week stepped away from the Board of Control for Cricket in India commentary panel citing limited opportunities, said the emotional toll of those early experiences stayed with him long after his playing days.