In sickness, in health, in law: Simran Mangharam on loving your spouse’s family

Push back, but with love. Argue, also with love. Building a bond can be as simple as asking: How would I deal with this if it were my parent?

The most valuable advice I have received about marriage came from a sensible cousin, a few days ahead of my wedding: Treat your spouse’s family as if they were your own.

A still from The Flintstones. Don’t be primitive. Give things time. Let your partner find their own ways of turning mutual respect into affection, and eventually into kinship.

It sounds simple, but a) it isn’t, and b) few people do it. Perhaps most vitally, it makes a world of difference, not just to interactions between a person and their in-laws, but to trust between the couple, to stress within the home, and to the ability to build a caring and supportive environment when the inevitable hard days fall upon us.

I have benefited from my cousin’s advice for 16 years, and my husband Siddharth Mangharam has benefited from it too.

Our child has grown up seeing that it is possible to hold on to a sense of self and yet be part of a larger whole; to be kind and giving, while remaining self-sufficient. She has seen, in other words, what love can look like, even amid differences of temperament, approach, opinions and customs.

This is important. Because it wasn’t the hum saath-saath hain (we are all bonded together) over-the-top sacrifice of Hindi cinema (and, sadly, of so many real families worldwide) that my cousin advised me to practise.

It was the kind of love that makes each of us accept the family we were born into, even when we disagree with them; even on days when it seems impossible that we could share the same DNA.

We accept flaws in our parents and siblings not because we love everything about them, but because we recognise, and hold close, the idea that the bond we share overrides all else.

It is the surety of that bond that makes it possible for us to see past differences in politics, financial squabbles, odd habits and seemingly insane quirks. Makes it possible to move on from arguments, misunderstandings and even deep hurt.

We recover and reboot, over and over, because we couldn’t possibly consider the alternative. Would one snap bonds with a parent over their critical nature, or with a sibling over their miserliness or flamboyance? My cousin was wise to advise me to bring that sense of commitment into the family I had chosen.

On both sides, with Siddharth and me, this has enriched our lives.

It must be said that the families do need to make the commitment too. After all, no one who has gone down this road has found it to be free of speedbumps.

There is not a single couple I have coached who did not struggle with how to handle each other’s extended families. The patriarchal framework makes it hardest on both husband and wife (the sacrifices she is expected to make are often absurd; the stoicism and problem-solving capabilities expected of him are often unrealistic and exhausting). Here, the commitment to love must often be accompanied by steady pushback until balance is achieved (and this is, of course, far easier said than done).

But even within families that recognise both a woman’s and a man’s right to be who they are, it can be hard to balance the emotions, natural possessiveness, and demands for time and attention of two families who are now essentially trying to figure out where they stand with this beloved daughter or son who has set off to form a life all their own.

A simple trick helped me considerably. In the earliest months, I sometimes asked myself: How would I resolve this if it were with my mother or father instead?

So much of the stress would seep out of the situation immediately.

Suddenly, a misunderstanding or disagreement with my in-laws was just that. It was not a way for them to tell me I didn’t belong. Or a way for me to reject them or their ways. It was simply the natural tectonics of a new family being born.

Today, we lean on each other, miss each other, fight each other’s battles. I cannot imagine my life without Siddharth’s family. As for my husband, I joke that he is my mother’s favourite child. He is as patient with her as he is with his own parents, and as thoughtful about her comfort as he is about his own.

All this, it must be said, takes time. We must each allow our partner to develop their own bond with our family. Try not to push for a great relationship from day one. Let them find their own ways of turning mutual respect into affection and eventually into kinship.

As we approach Diwali, may such love surround you and form the light in your life.

(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in. The views expressed are personal)