It mends with us: Simran Mangharam writes on lessons learnt in love, in 2024
Even if you can’t forget, forgive. In love, make room for change. And start by being kinder and more forgiving, to yourself, Mangharam says.
It struck me, as I sat down to write this, that I talk quite a lot about how we should love each other. That is, of course, my job. But I would like to focus a little more, today, on our relationships with ourselves. That’s where it all begins, after all… But there I go again, linking it to a larger mission.
I’d like to end 2024 by offering an unequivocal reminder that you have every reason to be kinder to yourself, more patient, and more forgiving. I have three quick tips to help you get started.
First, get into the habit of asking: “How am I treating myself?” “What’s the nicest thing I’ve said to myself lately?” “In what little way could I make myself a priority today?”
This should help lead into Step 2: Making time for the things you love (call it self-care, downtime, a hobby; whatever makes it work). Reach out for help, if need be, to make this me-time possible. Let it become part of the culture of how things are done, in your home and in your life.
Step 3: Extend your new self-regard to interactions with other people. Start, perhaps, by learning how to take a compliment. I am often surprised by how many people will toss one back at the deliverer, as if it were a grenade.
I understand that this is driven by embarrassment, but it does two small injuries: it discourages the other person from ever offering another one and, more importantly, it reinforces an inherent idea that you didn’t deserve it.
My recommendation: Try smiling and simply saying: Thank you. It can be a game-changer.
These are small steps, but reinforced as habits, they act as a reminder that we do deserve love. And that journey does begin within.
What else have I learnt this year, that put a new spin on things? Here are my key pointers.
* Forgive. Yourself, others, the past… it doesn’t matter. Drop the dead weight. Let it go. You’ll be surprised by how forgiveness can help emotions such as anger, resentment and hurt, accumulated over years, dissipate like a fog.
This is something I find myself discussing often, with clients. Take the action required; sever a tie that causes harm. Move on. But even then, forgive. It is a great force of healing, and of good.
* Make room for change. Aim to always love your partner, even when you don’t really like them. There will be missteps between any two people sharing a life: issues with money, sex, temperament, career, the kids. People change over time too. I’ve seen couples driven to the brink simply because one of them rather suddenly turned into a party-loving extrovert. Trust that, together, you can course-correct. But in order to do that, there will need to be a certain degree of flexibility in how you view each other.
* Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Of course you should be able to be your authentic self with a partner (or even a friend). But, in my experience, it isn’t sustainable to try to mash two lives together as if they were play dough. You will need to figure out where the separations lie: friends, bathrooms, bedrooms. Find the line that works for you, or it may just end up drawing itself somewhere you never wanted it.
* Reach out: Physical contact can be the keystone in the arch that holds a relationship up. Simple hugs, holding hands, even loving eye contact or a peck on the cheek can boost emotional well-being and reinforce a bond. As a habit, they serve to tell a partner, like few other things can, that they are loved and valued.
* Have the difficult conversation. This one is specifically for couples who may be struggling: It takes regular maintenance to keep anything ticking over healthily. It isn’t just you; but also, it won’t just go away. Talk, talk, talk — through whatever it is that is threatening the foundation you have built.
I have seen too many couples opt for denial over a difficult conversation. The difficult discussion will come anyway; it will just be harder to have when it does. Argue, if that’s what it takes; try to do so without personal attacks or judgement. Learn to admit when you are wrong; that certainly helps. And remember, even in the worst times, you are not opposing teams on a football field. You are lamplighters, trying to keep the same flame alive.
(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in)
It struck me, as I sat down to write this, that I talk quite a lot about how we should love each other. That is, of course, my job. But I would like to focus a little more, today, on our relationships with ourselves. That’s where it all begins, after all… But there I go again, linking it to a larger mission.
I’d like to end 2024 by offering an unequivocal reminder that you have every reason to be kinder to yourself, more patient, and more forgiving. I have three quick tips to help you get started.
First, get into the habit of asking: “How am I treating myself?” “What’s the nicest thing I’ve said to myself lately?” “In what little way could I make myself a priority today?”
This should help lead into Step 2: Making time for the things you love (call it self-care, downtime, a hobby; whatever makes it work). Reach out for help, if need be, to make this me-time possible. Let it become part of the culture of how things are done, in your home and in your life.
Step 3: Extend your new self-regard to interactions with other people. Start, perhaps, by learning how to take a compliment. I am often surprised by how many people will toss one back at the deliverer, as if it were a grenade.
I understand that this is driven by embarrassment, but it does two small injuries: it discourages the other person from ever offering another one and, more importantly, it reinforces an inherent idea that you didn’t deserve it.
My recommendation: Try smiling and simply saying: Thank you. It can be a game-changer.
These are small steps, but reinforced as habits, they act as a reminder that we do deserve love. And that journey does begin within.
What else have I learnt this year, that put a new spin on things? Here are my key pointers.
* Forgive. Yourself, others, the past… it doesn’t matter. Drop the dead weight. Let it go. You’ll be surprised by how forgiveness can help emotions such as anger, resentment and hurt, accumulated over years, dissipate like a fog.
This is something I find myself discussing often, with clients. Take the action required; sever a tie that causes harm. Move on. But even then, forgive. It is a great force of healing, and of good.
* Make room for change. Aim to always love your partner, even when you don’t really like them. There will be missteps between any two people sharing a life: issues with money, sex, temperament, career, the kids. People change over time too. I’ve seen couples driven to the brink simply because one of them rather suddenly turned into a party-loving extrovert. Trust that, together, you can course-correct. But in order to do that, there will need to be a certain degree of flexibility in how you view each other.
* Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Of course you should be able to be your authentic self with a partner (or even a friend). But, in my experience, it isn’t sustainable to try to mash two lives together as if they were play dough. You will need to figure out where the separations lie: friends, bathrooms, bedrooms. Find the line that works for you, or it may just end up drawing itself somewhere you never wanted it.
* Reach out: Physical contact can be the keystone in the arch that holds a relationship up. Simple hugs, holding hands, even loving eye contact or a peck on the cheek can boost emotional well-being and reinforce a bond. As a habit, they serve to tell a partner, like few other things can, that they are loved and valued.
* Have the difficult conversation. This one is specifically for couples who may be struggling: It takes regular maintenance to keep anything ticking over healthily. It isn’t just you; but also, it won’t just go away. Talk, talk, talk — through whatever it is that is threatening the foundation you have built.
I have seen too many couples opt for denial over a difficult conversation. The difficult discussion will come anyway; it will just be harder to have when it does. Argue, if that’s what it takes; try to do so without personal attacks or judgement. Learn to admit when you are wrong; that certainly helps. And remember, even in the worst times, you are not opposing teams on a football field. You are lamplighters, trying to keep the same flame alive.
(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in)
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