Clash of clans: How to set boundaries with family at festivals

Ask your own questions, prep for the prying moments. Here’s how to survive the family gathering without going nuts

Sigh. Another festive season. Another dolled-up family party. Another trap. Distant relatives want to know why you’re not married, why your start-up hasn’t got Series A funding, why your waistline isn’t what it was 10 years ago, and why your Insta is private.

In Kapoor & Sons, the two brothers have to deal with family drama, annoying relatives, and love problems.

“The thought of being in a zone where one’s life choices are constantly judged pushes people away from family celebrations,” says Bengaluru psychotherapist and relationship coach, Delnna Rrajesh. Chandni Tugnait, psychotherapist and founder-director of Gateway of Healing, Gurugram, adds that being exposed to judgement about a year’s worth of life choices tends to make people feel worse about their decisions.

Set boundaries, both say. It’s not just okay, it’s actually empowering. Amid the laughter and the sweets, everyone’s watching and silently taking cues on how to treat younger relatives who’ve grown up. “It’s your responsibility to help others understand how they can or cannot treat you” says Rrajesh.

Mirabel from Encanto eventually learns to hold her own against her overbearing relatives.

So, wrest power early. Volunteer to pay for one event or one meal, so you’re seen as a contributor, rather than a passive participant. “Start a pre-dinner gratitude circle or organise a family art project while people are milling about,” recommends Tugnait. Not only does it give idle chatterers something to do, “it channels your authentic self into something that adds value to the gathering”.

And keep busy. Take on specific tasks that give you purpose and space. Take charge of photographing or recording family stories. “This role naturally allows you to observe rather than constantly participate while still being valued,” says Tugnait. Rrajesh recommends setting up karaoke or other interactive events. “When suggesting these activities, frame them as ways to make memories,” she says.

Break the focus. Turn the family gathering into a potluck meal, recommends Rrajesh. It spreads out responsibilities, dismantles some hierarchies, and makes the evening more participatory. “Playing a movie softly in the background can help set a relaxed tone too,” she adds.

Zone it out. Demarcate a no-WiFi area, where older folks can nap without the kids rushing in. Set up a corner for cards or board games, or plug in a kettle and put out mugs and tea bags by one window. You’ll be surprised how it becomes a quiet haven amid all the buzz. “This natural segregation helps manage interactions without explicit restrictions,” says Tugnait.

In Silver Linings Playbook, both characters have to navigate complicated family relationships.

Do the prep. Anticipate jabs and keep a response ready. If a relative criticises your career choices, use the future-focus technique, says Tugnait. Instead of defending your current position, share an upcoming project, which shifts the conversation from judgment to interest. If there’s constant, and unfavourable comparison with a sibling, use the collective-celebration approach, and express happiness over their progress. For any nosy remarks, remember the appreciate-and-redirect method: Acknowledge the comment, then ask an unrelated question of your own. It puts the spotlight on the curious folks for a change.

Play the reverse card. Older folks tend to see the world through a different lens. So, if someone’s opinion of you seems wanting, offer to teach them something you’re good at. Set up their Instagram, explain how phishing scams work, tell them why India loves Korean dramas. “This positions you as knowledgeable rather than different,” says Tugnait. And instead of defending your unconventional career, ask them for a small, calculated favour. Request their advice on a specific professional skill they have excelled at. “This creates a connection through your differences rather than despite them,” she adds.

And know when to stop. Some questions are so intrusive, they should be nipped in the bud. “Tell people you’ve had a great year, but that you’re taking a break from endlessly discussing work and relationships during the festive season,” says Rrajesh. “Say, ‘Let’s celebrate together instead’ so they know it’s not a total rejection. And get them to talk about what makes them happiest. Suddenly, the thorny questions will disappear.”

From HT Brunch, November 02, 2024

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