Cuddles, tears, rest, strength: Nikhil Taneja’s manly manifesto for 2024
Men want to be the little spoon. They can cry and should. They want a break as much as women do. Nikhil Taneja crafts a new masculinity code for 2024 and beyond
It doesn’t matter what your new year goals are, or even if you have them at all. To survive a changing world, everyone’s reassessing what they thought they knew and unlearning fondly held truths. For women, the messages come wrapped in memes about empowerment, snarky pink Barbie blockbusters, and tweet-sized wisdom. For men, change is a little tricker, admits Nikhil Taneja. The 37-year-old co-founder and chief of Yuvaa, and host of chat show Be A Man, Yaar! says that public narratives rarely focus on male identities. And yet, teaching moments are everywhere. Here’s what he wishes more men understood about modern masculinity.
Being the little spoon is so much fun. Hugs are beautiful. Men should cuddle. “Men should also hug other men. The only time most men are physical or intimate is with a woman. When they meet other men, they fist bump, handshake, tap on the other person’s back or get into an awkward hug. Fathers rarely hug their sons – I haven’t got my share – even though they hug their daughters. Why?”
It’s OK to not be Superman. Strength is seen as an incredibly important factor for men in the social hierarchy. “But even men are afraid of cockroaches, lizards and the dark. It’s normal.”
Resting is a power move. Taking time off or being less productive used to be seen as a sign of weakness. “Productivity is not the North Star; men needn’t orient their lives towards it. I used to feel guilty about napping on weekends, I no longer do.”
Being kind is manly too. “When we talk about Steve Jobs, we talk about how he kept things in order, not about how he had the time to be nice to people.” Men in power are often viewed as angry bullies. They’re conditioned to believe that they cannot be empathetic. It’s up to men to reject this idea, and be generous, kind, graceful and create safe spaces for others.
Men can be the shorter partner. The tall, dark and handsome male stereotype is as stifling as a woman being the damsel in distress. “Men and women believe if you’re not tall and hulking, you aren’t manly enough. Fair men are mocked for being feminine. None of this should matter, as long as you care about the other person and are comfortable in your own skin.
Asking for help is normal. “Before we learn what it’s like to be human, we are taught how to be a man and fit into a stereotype. We end up not reaching out to ask for support for fear of being seen as weak.” Vulnerability is not a shameful thing. “Life’s struggles are nothing to be looked down upon. It makes us all better humans.”
It’s OK to reject some goals. Women are constantly being told that it’s OK to not want a large family, to not be content with domestic duties, to not feel incomplete just because they are single. “But there are no spaces that tell men it’s OK to not want certain things too. That it’s OK to not hustle so hard. It’s OK to put a career on hold in order to spend more time with the family.”
Talking is healing. “Not to put down any fans, but men often say they are frustrated because their favourite team lost, but they are actually unhappy for completely different reasons.” No human should have to hide behind an excuse, or a drink, to process how they feel. “If you stop judging others, you won’t be judged in turn.”
Tears can cure. “I struggled to cry for years. I would get overwhelmed, but I’d be unable to cry because that’s how strong the conditioning is. Men can and should get therapy. A lot of times that I do end up crying is when my therapist validates my emotions. Not everyone can afford therapy, we must find other ways to cry. If you can’t cry in front of your male friends, at least show up for them.”
There are no absolutes. Women don’t talk more than men do. Men aren’t always thinking about sex. Men gossip. Women navigate well. Men are nurturing. Women are ambitious. Men are romantic. And none of these are bad traits. “Separate the individual from the stereotype to understand people, and yourself.”
Rejection is reality. Men who lash out, often violently, when their romantic advances are spurned, do so because they have never learnt to accept rejection. “Men tell themselves this story that their entire life is about making the woman who rejected them recognise their worth. Break out of it.”
Give up the reins. Men grow up assuming they must be in charge of every situation. Anyone who’s had to be in control all the time knows how trying it can be. “See what it’s like when a partner takes charge, driving the car or during sex. It’s cool to let go.” Patriarchy is a burden for men too. Men carry the family name, and live under more pressure to succeed. “Consider giving your kids the last names of both parents.”
