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Final moves: How to break-up in the gentlest way possible
Breaking up is hard enough, but doing it badly just makes it worse. Experts say honesty, clarity, and a real-time conversation are key to a respectful break-up
Breaking up is icky enough. Doing it badly just makes it worse. Joe Jonas broke up with Taylor Swift in 2008 over a phone call that she says lasted 27 seconds. Minnie Driver only found out that Matt Damon had dumped her in 1998 after he mentioned on The Oprah Winfrey Show that he was single. Pete Davidson ended his relationship with Cazzie David in 2018 via text – the next day, she learnt from Instagram that he’d started dating Ariana Grande.
In matters of the heart, the softer the landing, the easier it is to move on. But few relationships offer dignity and closure. Experts say it’s possible to do it right, even in complicated situationships.
Come clean. Honest conversations make for fewer repercussions. Delhi relationship coach Anjali Tyagi says that honesty indicates that the person is important enough to be straightforward with. “It also helps both people move on because they understand why the breakup is happening.”
A 2018 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who were broken up with in a clear and direct way were more likely to feel relieved and hopeful about the future, and less likely to feel angry and resentful. The researchers believe this is because clarity helps people understand the breakup and start to move on. They are less likely to blame themselves or to doubt their own judgment.
Set it up. Ending things via text, emoji or (ugh) memes is confusing and childish, saying more about the breaker-upper than the one they’re dumping. The time and place matters so much, musical director Andrew Lloyd Weber and Don Black devote the whole title song to it in the 1980 play Tell Me On A Sunday (“Don’t run off in the pouring rain/ Don’t call me as they call your plane”). A real-time conversation, where you can see and hear each other, helps with a full understanding of the situation.
Make it about you. Don’t draw it out with accusations. Instead, focus on your own feelings and reasons for ending the relationship. Dr Gitanjali Natarajan, chief clinical psychology advisor at Ernakulam’s Niyama Digital Healthcare, suggests opening conversations with, “I’ve realised that we’re not compatible in the long run. I know this is difficult to accept, but I believe it’s the best decision for us”. Dr Pritisha Saxena, psychiatrist at Nagpur’s Vijaya Clinics, suggests something like, “I’ve realised that I need to focus on myself and figure out my own path. I hope you understand my decision and that we can part amicably.” The Breaker Upperers (2018), an indie rom-com from New Zealand playing on Netflix is a lesson in what not to do. It follows two women who run an agency that helps break couples up – they fake deaths, deliver singing grams. It quickly gets messy. Obviously.
Leave closure for later. “Closure allows you to make sense of what happened, accept the end of the relationship, and move on,” says Dr Nataranjan. “But sometimes people get too focused on it. Sometimes, the other person may not be willing or able to give you the answers you want.” Signs that you are obsessed with closure include constantly re-reading old texts or looking at photos of your ex, obsessing over what went wrong in the relationship and trying to contact your ex or run into them in person.
Forget what rom-coms say. “People think of closure as a single event or feeling, believing that once it happens, they will completely get over their ex,” says Dr Saxena. Think of it as a journey, not a destination. “It looks different from different individuals. The best way to get it is to forgive yourself and your ex, and to invest in your personal growth. Learning to be comfortable with yourself goes a long way towards closure.”
Phrase it right
Ending things? What to say to someone who...
You met once: “I’m sorry, but I’ve been thinking about things, and I don’t see a romantic connection. I appreciate the time we spent together. I wish you the best in finding someone who’s a great fit for you.”
Wasn’t what their dating bio claimed to be: “Honesty is crucial for me in a connection. It seems there might be some differences between what you said on your dating profile and who you are. I think it’s best if we both move on separately.”
Was part of a situationship: “I don’t think our situation is good for either of us. It could end up hurting us both. So, I feel it’s best if we go our separate ways. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do next.”
Was only a casual connection: “We’ve tried our best, but it’s clear that our relationship isn’t making either of us happy anymore. It’s better for both of us to go our separate ways. I’ll always value the good times we shared.”
You cheated on: “I messed up, and there’s no excuse for it. I’m truly sorry for hurting you like this. I understand if you can’t forgive me or if you want to end our relationship. I’ll always regret what I did. You deserve honesty and someone who treats you with respect.”
Cheated on you: “Trust, a crucial part of a relationship, has been broken and it’s difficult for me to continue. I need to move on separately to heal and find a healthier path. This isn’t easy, but it’s the right decision for my well-being.”
