At a time when extended family ties appear to be fraying – if not disappearing altogether – nearly all of us have begun to rely on a network of friends to get through life. The young mom who is struggling with the school run leans on other mom friends. Older men and women bond with other retired folk who they meet on their morning walks in the park. Professionals who spend most of their time in office depend on work friendships, and so on.
It all works rather well – until it doesn’t. And just when you think that you have your support system all worked out, you end up being horribly let down by someone you considered a close friend. Almost all of us never see this coming, being blindsided by a sudden betrayal. But truth be told, the signs that you were nurturing a toxic relationship were always there – you just chose to ignore them.
So, here’s a handy primer as to how to tell your toxic friend apart from the real thing:
A real friend is there for you at all times, no matter what is going on in her life. But if she (or he) disappears on you the moment they enter a new relationship, make new friends, or even take up a new job, then the writing on the wall is crystal clear. You were only a convenience, a place-holder if you will, until she moved into a different orbit. Now you are in her rear-view mirror, moving further away all the time – and the sooner you move on the better.
A real friend will make time for you. But if he (or she) constantly cancels on plans with you, sometimes at the last minute, then it is clear that your friendship is not a priority. If you are the one constantly reaching out, texting and calling, offering dates when you could meet, without any reciprocity, then it’s time to stop. Wait and watch to see if this absentee friend reaches out to you after a period of silence. If he doesn’t, then yes, you guessed it, move on.
{{/usCountry}}A real friend will make time for you. But if he (or she) constantly cancels on plans with you, sometimes at the last minute, then it is clear that your friendship is not a priority. If you are the one constantly reaching out, texting and calling, offering dates when you could meet, without any reciprocity, then it’s time to stop. Wait and watch to see if this absentee friend reaches out to you after a period of silence. If he doesn’t, then yes, you guessed it, move on.
{{/usCountry}}A true friendship involves give and take. You meet up with a friend to discuss work, family, children, and everything that keeps you awake at night. But if she (or he) is only interested in talking about herself and her life events and switches off completely when the conversation turns to your problems and issues, then yes, you are dealing with a toxic friend (though I am not even sure that you could call this person a friend).
Meeting a true friend leaves you feeling uplifted and light, as if all were right with the world. But if a friend deals out relentless negativity, if you feel worse about yourself and life in general after meeting him (or her), if you feel drained of energy after spending time together, well then, you have a toxic friend right there. You know what to do, don’t you?
From HT Brunch, May 2, 2026
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