When did we all become shrinks? Therapists, online coaches and self-appointed experts have broken open the most useful lexicon for mental health. They’ve taught us how to cope with “being triggered”, how to “identify a narcissist”, how to “set boundaries”. Dads, they tell us, gave us “daddy issues”, mums passed on “generational trauma”. Workplaces, social circles, even relationships can be “toxic”. Is this even useful or are we creating a toxic cycle of our own?
In August, actor Jonah Hill’s ex, Sarah Brady, shared the text messages he’d sent her about what he’d referred to as his “boundaries”. These included forbidding her from “surfing with men”, from being friends with “women who are in unstable places” and not taking selfies in her swimsuit.
These are more than odd requests. It’s not just therapy-speak but a weaponising of it, misusing the idea of boundaries not to preserve his wellbeing, but to control her behaviour.
“This type of manipulation of people is used to exert a sense of superiority in the relationship and also leads to diffusion of responsibility,” says Delhi-based clinical psychologist Gaura Lohani. It’s characteristic of individuals who have manipulative tendencies, lack empathy and seek to seem more intellectual or powerful.
{{/usCountry}}“This type of manipulation of people is used to exert a sense of superiority in the relationship and also leads to diffusion of responsibility,” says Delhi-based clinical psychologist Gaura Lohani. It’s characteristic of individuals who have manipulative tendencies, lack empathy and seek to seem more intellectual or powerful.
{{/usCountry}}We don’t know if Hill is indeed this kind of person, or if he, like us all, has picked up phrasing that’s become so common online. Therapy talk has its advantages. It articulates the frustrations many of us have experienced, it clears up complicated emotions. It helps us better understand ourselves and others.
It, unfortunately, can also become the short-cut diagnosis that makes mental health worse. Lohani cautions against deploying terms without understanding what they medically mean. Hill fumbled with boundaries. “Triggered and trauma are buzzwords too,” she says. “Trauma describes feelings of invalidation and struggle, not for when one feels mildly uncomfortable. Even the kindest and most considerate among us make cruel decisions. But labelling someone as toxic is not just incorrect, it lowers their self-worth and makes them question themselves.”
Sports jargon expects athletes to “give their 110%”. CEOs say they “empowered” their workforce when all they did was hire people to do the job. Academics have been dallying at “intersections” of two fields so long, it seems they’ve run out of petrol. In mental health, however, wrong phrasing can do lasting damage. It can trivialise or exacerbate an issue. Labelling a vain friend or an ex a narcissist suggests they might actually have narcissistic personality disorder. “Using terms such as OCD just because a person likes to be neat and tidy only trivialises the actual condition,” says Lohani.
The way out, Lohani suggests, might be through the heart, not through the dictionary, and seek out gentler ways to express behavioural concerns without relying on stock phrases from social media.
“Social media is easy to access, but each person’s situation is unique,” she says. “Blind spots may exist, preventing individuals from fully comprehending their own circumstances.” This is where the actual experts and therapists step in.
Meanwhile, if you’re at the receiving end of a farrago of labels, “set your boundaries and educate the person about it,” Lohani says. “Ask what the term means to them.” Opening up that conversation will get you further than any Reel can.