Home affairs with Sorabh Pant
Stay safe, wash your hands, and don’t go loco in the lockdownUpdated: Apr 25, 2020, 22:54 IST
My wife is rarely impressed by me. She once attended a stand-up show where I got two standing ovations and said, “The crowd really loved it,” implying that she did not because she operates on a higher plane than the plebeians who enjoy my jokes. Even when I bought a house, my wife’s first response to me investing all my life’s earnings in a home for us and our mutual kids was, “It’s nice but the view is okay, ya.”
Don’t get me wrong – she is ridiculously supportive, excited and understanding of all my stupidity, but being impressed is another thing. Here are three instances when she was impressed by me:
When I got tickets for Peppa Pig concert in Mumbai, after they were sold out.
When I got her to meet Hrithik Roshan – who was nice enough to give both of us a big hug though my wife may have preferred marrying him instead.
When I managed to get her entire grocery list of items during the lockdown.
As I trudged back home after carrying 12 kilos of groceries – which finished in four days: do we have children or anacondas? – my wife looked at me as if I had brought down somras from Lord Indra. She cried as she held the packet of haldi and said, “The last packet of haldi! I’m blessed to have such a great husband. All other women and gay men on Earth are so jealous of my luck.”
Or she may have just said, “Oh, nice. Really good job. Thanks, bro.”
Side note: one upside of the lockdown was that this was the first time I’ve not seen anyone bargain with the fruit and vegetable sellers. Good for them. The vendors all looked a bit confused that no one was even attempting to say, “Arrey bhai, nimbu pachas paise kam karo,” as they sauntered back to their SUVs.
Look, I know it’s such a tough time for people: those that have been infected, our heroes in the medical fraternity, cops, the municipality and even day labourers and the homeless who have no options at this time. Making jokes around this time is just my way of dealing. So, here goes.
“My wife once attended a stand-up show where I got two standing ovations and said, “The crowd really loved it” ... implying that she did not!”
My wife and me co-created two children (mostly her though) and they are now home. For the first few days, we never missed their school so much – if Dunzo could have figured a way to deliver my son’s school teacher to us, I would have been willing to tip them over ~100. Things got better because my wife is smart and we’re ensuring this time for the kids is spent being constructive. So far, we’ve managed to teach our five-year-old son about photosynthesis: “Papa. The plants eat sunlight, then energy and oxygen come. Now can we watch Chhota
He’s also learned to make paper planes, write alphabets and understand gravity and the planets and I think if this lockdown goes on for a month longer, we can help him pass
his pilot exams. His younger sister is also catching up and I think by May they should have their own airline – are you listening Air India?
Please pass the cash
I’m working more than I worked before the lockdown. Because I’m a comedian. As a rule – I make most of my living when I’m travelling. I travel to a city, perform jokes for an hour and get paid. Now suddenly I am not travelling – so I have to work longer than an hour (the horror). Like so many of us, I have to figure alternate means of income. Why do you think I’m writing this article? Yes, it means a lot to me that I can make you smile but it means more to me that I have money for 10 kilos of groceries. And two kilos extra for our neighbours.
Honestly, if you are lucky to have a roof and necessities, please try and use this time to reinvent yourself. Write that book you’ve been planning to write since 2011. I’m working on my fourth as we speak. Nobody will read it but I’ll write it for me. Or read all the books you wanted to read since 2011. Including three of mine. I’m writing articles, making pitches for shows and brands, editing old stand-up videos to entertain you guys (and earn YouTube ad revenue so I can buy my kids their first Boeing 747).
While this is a terrible time for humans, it is a good time for our planet to refresh itself – maybe you should too. Help your partner rediscover why the two of you fell in love, teach your kids, learn something new and head over to YouTube.Com/PantOnFire and watch my stand-up videos for free. Don’t skip the ads though because I genuinely need the money so my wife is a little impressed by me.
Stay safe, wash your hands and if you see someone working to improve our situation, try to thank them.
P.S. I’ve also been watching some weird movies, reading some weird books and discovering ‘terrible’ Indian TV. Maybe from next week onwards I could review all of it.
(Author bio: Sorabh Pant is rated among the top comedians in India. He’s performed stand-up acts all across the globe and has his shows on Amazon Prime. Follow him @hankypanty on Twitter.)
From HT Brunch, April 26, 2020
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