Ambivalence in relationships

All our relationships, whether partnered or not, have some degree of ambivalence.

A 33-year-old male tells me in therapy, “We have been married for the last six years. Mostly we are good, we know how to run the house well, we take care of the dog together, we travel well and earn enough, so money is not a concern. But I’m not happy, I don’t feel understood and I’m generally quiet because all our attempts at communication and resolving conflicts aren’t working. There are no serious issues, but I don’t know if I still love her anymore and whether I want to be in this or not.”

Ambivalence is a discomforting place to be in. None of us want to be in that state, in any relationship. That’s why when it shows up, couples sometimes choose to deny it, see it as a phase and at other times, begin to doubt the very basis of their relationship. (Getty Images/iStockphoto)

This state of confusion, mixed feelings towards the relationship and the partner is what we refer to as relationship ambivalence. In most of these sessions, clients talk about how dissatisfied they are, but also about how confused and uncertain they feel in relation to their partner and the relationship. Over the last three years, the number of clients reaching out because of relationship ambivalence has significantly increased.

All our relationships, whether partnered or not, have some degree of ambivalence. However, when clients come to therapy, either in their dating relationship or marriage, they are beginning to feel contradictory feelings that are intense and continuous. It feels like a tug of war where they wonder if they should choose to work on the relationship or if they should let go. Very often clients tell me, “I don’t know what to do. I hope someone else could make the decision for me.”

They seem to oscillate between feelings of love, tenderness, companionship and as well as rage, resentment and repulsion towards their partner. This ongoing force of opposing feelings makes it hard for them to understand what they really want and also in turn what their partner wants. This state of ambivalence can be very painful, stirring up a state of cognitive dissonance and is also extremely tiring. Very often couples mention, how no one in their family or close circles even knows about this and how deeply they are unhappy.

Ambivalence is a discomforting place to be in. None of us want to be in that state, in any relationship. That’s why when it shows up, couples sometimes choose to deny it, see it as a phase and at other times, begin to doubt the very basis of their relationship. My sense is that when ambivalence shows up, it’s telling us something important and paying attention to it is crucial. This does not mean acting on it impulsively and letting yourself get carried away by that feeling. We need to hold space for what’s emerging and even ask, if it has to do with us, our partner or the relationship. Doing this requires sitting with ambivalence either as a couple or individually and then give oneself permission to slowly understand what it means for you and the relationship.

Over the last two decades of work, I have learnt that ambivalence is neither a good or bad space to be in. All relationships go through it. Our relationship with ambivalence and our capacity to address it plays a huge role. We need to use this emerging space of mixed feelings to understand what are the unmet desires, needs and also look in to the lingering disappointments, grudges and resentments that each of us holds in the relationship. Sometimes, individuals need to understand for themselves what is contributing to their own state of ambivalence, before they can sit down as a couple and do the work of unpacking it together.

This is difficult. It requires acknowledging that addressing this will need mindful attention, holding on to patience, building safe spaces for each other to communicate. It also requires asking ourselves if we still have the desire and curiosity to listen to our partner and then work towards building a middle ground where each person feels heard, understood and seen.

The moments of ambivalence are a compass to relational health and what and how you choose to deal with it is where the answers lie. There is never one answer or a pathway that works for all couples.