Over the last two weeks, I have been doing a course on equanimity. In a world which feels fragmented, polarised and constantly offering us strong opinions on every issue – the teachings have served as an anchor. The lessons have reminded me how as an adult it’s important to maintain hope, sensitivity, attunement to the world and yet not be consumed by it. As I write this, I am mindful that this journey of being aware of what’s happening around us and then holding space for grounded optimism is a lifelong one; one that’s slow and requires work every day.
In her writings, Sharon Salzberg, author and teacher of Buddhist meditation practice, writes, “A state of equanimity is not one of passivity or indifference, but of space and stillness, as well connection and compassion. It’s an empowered state in which we negotiate understanding with trust, questioning with acceptance.”
This reminder while simple in its language reminds us how operating from this state requires us to be fully present in the moment and where we are centred rather than impulsive or reacting to the world around us.
The value of equanimity and what it takes to function from this space is something I feel all of need to build. In therapy sessions, I hear clients talk about how they find themselves – overreacting, at other times feeling hypervigilant, and then feeling irked by things and events which are beyond their control. All this evokes not just helplessness, frustration in clients but also disappointment with themselves – and they wish they had more tolerance, patience and better ways to respond. As one of my clients said to me, ‘I feel I am raw and sensitive to every little thing in the world and this is leaving me exhausted.’ Another friend who teaches on a university campus spoke of how students are talking about feeling triggered by conversations and not knowing what they can do to manage their feelings.
Learning to regulate our emotions is a huge part of adulting. However, the trick is to do it without lashing at others, holding space for ourselves and still finding our way back to feeling centred. When we are presented with situations, events that evoke big feelings in us – we all begin to find ways to flee and avoid the pain – rather than address it. The modern world in the form of technology, our devices and short form content offers so many distractions where getting lost in the virtual world has become a tool of regulation for many, often unconsciously and sometimes consciously too. My understanding is that whatever it is that we avoid addressing, only lingers and grows. I understand that when we are overwhelmed, we experience exhaustion too – so numbing feels easy and allows for some distance. At the same time, we need to become mindful of listening to our body, create some distance, pause – begin with small steps such as developing awareness of what’s happening to us and then slowly start building a toolkit of resources that allows us to respond rather than react. If situations and feelings do get overwhelming, using our breath as an anchor to centre ourselves, shifting our focus to nature, bright colours can all help us find our way back to a less agitated state. For some folks, engaging the body helps to release the energy, agitation that is building. Cooking, a quick workout, walking, doodling while they all sound simple, work beautifully. When I find myself in situations that are challenging my current capacity to deal with what what’s happening – the very act of acknowledging this gives me permission to park some of these concerns and come back when I have worked on my own capacity to deal with them in a skilful manner. I also look back at past situations, where a pause and distance served me well – to find patience and restraint yet not suppress what’s emerging in me and then use that to build my own window of tolerance.
{{/usCountry}}Learning to regulate our emotions is a huge part of adulting. However, the trick is to do it without lashing at others, holding space for ourselves and still finding our way back to feeling centred. When we are presented with situations, events that evoke big feelings in us – we all begin to find ways to flee and avoid the pain – rather than address it. The modern world in the form of technology, our devices and short form content offers so many distractions where getting lost in the virtual world has become a tool of regulation for many, often unconsciously and sometimes consciously too. My understanding is that whatever it is that we avoid addressing, only lingers and grows. I understand that when we are overwhelmed, we experience exhaustion too – so numbing feels easy and allows for some distance. At the same time, we need to become mindful of listening to our body, create some distance, pause – begin with small steps such as developing awareness of what’s happening to us and then slowly start building a toolkit of resources that allows us to respond rather than react. If situations and feelings do get overwhelming, using our breath as an anchor to centre ourselves, shifting our focus to nature, bright colours can all help us find our way back to a less agitated state. For some folks, engaging the body helps to release the energy, agitation that is building. Cooking, a quick workout, walking, doodling while they all sound simple, work beautifully. When I find myself in situations that are challenging my current capacity to deal with what what’s happening – the very act of acknowledging this gives me permission to park some of these concerns and come back when I have worked on my own capacity to deal with them in a skilful manner. I also look back at past situations, where a pause and distance served me well – to find patience and restraint yet not suppress what’s emerging in me and then use that to build my own window of tolerance.
{{/usCountry}}Having said that, on some days it’s easier to do all that I mention while on other days, it’s hard and which is when I remind myself of things I wouldn’t or shouldn’t do until I have clarity about a potential response. Extending this self-compassion and non-judgment creates a space where we can be aware of our fragility and vulnerability and just observe rather than react.
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