Feeling guilty for saying no? Psychologist shares why it happens and 6 ways to set healthier boundaries

If you are always saying yes to people please, learn how to reframe your thinking and priortise help. An expert walks us through the root psychological causes.

Do you feel guilty for saying no? You may mistake being assertive for being impolite, so you start giving in to requests even when you do not have the time or energy. The fear of disappointing someone takes priority over your own needs, making it difficult to set boundaries without feeling that you have done something wrong.ALSO READ: Feeling taken for granted in your relationship? Psychologist shares 5 signs the effort is one-sided

Before you let this guilt affect your well-being, let's explore the psychological roots of this behaviour and understand why saying no can feel so difficult.

Ritika Aggarwal, consultant psychologist at Jaslok Hospital & Research Centre, talked about some behaviours. She mentioned behaviours such as agreeing to do someone a favour despite being exhausted, accepting extra work when your schedule is already full or attending a social gathering simply to avoid disappointing someone, which can indicate difficulty being assertive.

Over time, repeatedly prioritising others' needs at the expense of your own can chip away at your wellbeing and leave you feeling overwhelmed.

“For some people, saying no brings up fears of rejection, conflict, or being perceived as selfish. For others, it can challenge a deeply ingrained belief that being a good person means always being available to others," the psychologist illuminated some of the logical reasons.

Let's address one of the central conflicts: the feeling of letting others down. Humans are social creatures, so the possibility of disappointing others may be hard to accept, according to the psychologist.

“Some people may interpret another person’s disappointment as evidence that they have done something wrong,” she said.

Despite having a valid reason, you may still feel guilty. Knowing that you need rest or have no time to spare may do little to lessen the guilt.

The expert described the source of anxiety: “When someone has become accustomed to keeping others happy, setting a boundary may feel unfamiliar, uncomfortable, or anxiety-provoking. This discomfort may reflect an unfamiliar behaviour rather than an inappropriate decision.”

Feeling guilty does not necessarily mean you are doing anything wrong. You need to distinguish between guilt arising from actual wrongdoing and guilt arising simply because someone may be unhappy with your decision.

You won't lose your friends if you set boundaries.

How to say ‘NO’?

To establish healthier boundaries, you need to be able to decline others' requests. It is not about being indifferent or rude; it is about learning how to say no. Here are some practices the psychologist recommended:

1. Pause before agreeing: Instead of responding automatically, give yourself a little time to consider whether you genuinely have the capacity and willingness to help
2. Keep refusals simple and respectful: You could say something along the lines of ‘I’m sorry, I won’t be able to take this on right now’. You do not have to justify every personal decision at length.
3. Question the guilt: Ask yourself – ‘Have I actually done something wrong or am I uncomfortable because someone else might be disappointed?’
4. Accept that not everyone will agree with you: Another person’s displeasure doesn’t automatically mean you have acted unfairly.
5. Practise small boundaries: Expressing a preference, declining an optional commitment or asking for more time can help build confidence in communicating your limits.
6. Consider the situation: Boundaries may need to be negotiated differently depending on the circumstances. Assertiveness is about communicating honestly and respectfully, not simply prioritising yourself in every situation.

If guilt around saying no is persistent, overwhelming, or affecting relationships and wellbeing, counselling and therapy can help you explore the underlying beliefs and develop more balanced ways of responding.

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.