Get called out often for being too defensive? Therapist Jeffrey Meltzer explains why that can happen and what to do

Sometimes we cannot help ourselves from become defensive in an instant. Jeffrey Meltzer shares two reasons why it happens and how we can take precautions.

In a world where the population is on edge all the time and peace and serenity are rare, getting defensive seems to be the natural state for individuals. Some people are often called out for it, depending on how frequently they reach that state.

In many cases, people who get defensive do so involuntarily. Taking to Instagram on July 29, Florida-based therapist Jeffrey Meltzer explains what causes some of us to behave this way, and what can be done about it.

Why do people get defensive?

“When someone criticises you, your brain may interpret it as a threat to how you see yourself,” explained the therapist. “That criticism can bring up shame or make you question how you see yourself. Your ego wants to get rid of those feelings quickly. So, you may argue, justify yourself, or immediately point out what the other person did wrong.”

The reaction may sound like, "Well, you do the same thing," or "you're completely misunderstanding me." In that moment, a person is protecting themselves before deciding whether there's any truth in what was said.

2. Defensiveness is often impulsive

Jeffrey noted that some people respond before they fully process the criticism. They react first and evaluate later. This can leave the other person feeling like they cannot bring anything up without being attacked or pulled into an argument.

“To become less defensive, you need to work on both parts,” noted the therapist.

How to become less defensive?

Jeffrey shared a two-step plan to become less defensive.

1. First, one has to become more willing to experience the discomfort of being criticised without immediately trying to make it disappear.
   
   “Remember, not every criticism is fair or accurate, but you cannot properly evaluate it while you're busy fighting it,” noted Jeffrey.
2. Second, one needs to slow down their response.
   
   “Say, ‘Let me think about that.’ Or ask, ‘Can you give me an example?’ That pause gives you enough time to decide how much truth there is in what was said,” explained Jeffrey.

“Your goal is not to agree with everything people say about you. Your goal should be to become secure enough to listen without immediately going into self-protection,” he pointed out. “Because the more you pause before reacting, the safer it becomes for people to communicate honestly with you.”

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. This report is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them.

Jeffrey Meltzer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor based in Florida. He graduated with a Master's in Mental Health Counselling from the University of South Florida and has been providing therapy services for over seven years.