Arranged marriage is about more than salaries and families: Conversations to have before you commit

Beyond financial stability and family values, here are a few things every couple should discuss before saying yes to arranged marriage.

From Vivah to Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi, Bollywood movies have often portrayed arranged marriages as dreamy fairytale setups. However, reality can be quite different from what is shown on screen. Marriage is about more than financial stability and shared family values, and not having important conversations before making a commitment can lead to disagreements later.

There is nothing wrong with arranged marriages, but understanding each other's expectations is essential for a healthy relationship. In an interview with HT Lifestyle, Arjun Bhatia, chief marketing officer (CMO) at Matrimony.com, shared important questions to ask about lifestyle, expectations and compatibility before saying yes to arranged marriage.

The concept of arranged marriages in India

Think about arranged marriages in India, and very often what comes to mind is a checklist. We’re great at evaluating people on paper. Where did they study? Are they settled in their career? Making good money? According to Arjun, education, ambition, salary, family background, horoscope, and even height become the first filters in our search for the perfect match. And while a lot of these factors are important in finding someone who fits your life and lifestyle, they’re in no way an indication of a person’s personality or how compatible two people would be.

Education, ambition, salary, family background, horoscope, and even height become the first filters in our search for the perfect match.

“The questions that matter more are the ones that give you an insight into the person and the life you hope to build together,” said Arjun. What do they do when there is a disagreement? Are they comfortable having really uncomfortable conversations without getting defensive? How do they view money, financial planning and future goals? How much of a say does their family have in their day to day life? “Are these questions romantic? Most certainly not. But they are the ones that help you find a partner you can build a loving, secure, and joyful marriage with,” he added.

While these tough questions give you valuable insight into a person, the other area that is really important to understand is the mundane, everyday things in their life. What does a regular week look like for them? Do they value personal space or codependence? What are their thoughts on relocating? Whose career takes precedence if it comes to a choice? And, most importantly, how willing are both people to adapt to each other as things change and life evolves?

“I also think we underestimate how significant the things that we don’t talk about are. It’s not always what one says, but how one behaves when they think no one is noticing that is the best indicator of true personality,” highlighted Arjun. How someone treats the wait staff in a restaurant, responds to a change of plans, or speaks about their family can reveal a lot more than any answers to the questions you ask.

“Of course, there are no perfect answers or perfect people. What matters is how willing someone is to be honest, to listen to you, and to respond to any questions that may be uncomfortable. Someone who pushes you to decide fast or is evasive about answers may be something you need to take seriously into consideration,” he said.

Before judging whether someone is right for you, it may help to look at yourself first. Why do you want to get married? What would a happy, successful relationship mean to you? What are your career and personal goals, and how ready are you to share your everyday life with someone else?

Age matters less than readiness. It can be worth asking whether this timeline feels like your own choice, or whether it is shaped by family expectations, what your friends are doing, or simply a sense that it is time. There is no single right age, and a wide range is normal, but a rough sense of timing is still useful. When these questions are still unclear, it can be hard to know what you need from a partner, and harder to give a marriage the commitment it deserves.

A good life partner isn't just about finding a person who checks all the boxes but about finding someone with whom you can face an unpredictable tomorrow.

So the family checklist we started with? That’s a really helpful and important indicator to point you in the right direction when it comes to Indian marriages. But what really matters in the end is finding the person who shares your vision of life and is willing to work with you to help create it.

And to find that person, you deserve the time, space and conversations you need to understand each other. A good life partner isn't just about finding a person who checks all the boxes but about finding someone with whom you can face an unpredictable tomorrow.

Note for the readers: This article is for informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. Please consult a qualified expert for personalised guidance.