Is Instagram making you overthink your relationship? Therapist warns why everything is not a red flag

Hear from a therapist why you need to stop assessing your relationship issues from the lens of Instagram – it may be doing more harm than good.

On Instagram, people are quick to give their two cents on relationships. As a matter of fact, there's a whole language designated for relationships. You may have heard buzzwords like ‘red flag, toxic, narcissistic partner’. And social media is an open ground; everyone, irrespective of academic or professional credibility, shares their thoughts on toxic behaviour. Naturally, it gets to you, and you second-guess whether your partner is ‘toxic’ too.ALSO READ: What to do in the first week after a breakup? Psychologist shares 5 grounding tips to begin your healing journey

Exercising your discretion is essential. Any ordinary reel cannot immediately act as proof that your partner is toxic. So, how do you tell the difference between something that is being exaggerated on Instagram and a real problematic trait that requires your attention?

We asked Archana Singhal, counsellor, family therapist, and founder of Mindwell Counsel, who helped differentiate. She reminded that context matters more than labels. To truly evaluate a person's behaviour, one needs to closely observe, rather than go by whatever is trending on social media.

But at the same time, Instagram has also helped people recognise harmful behaviour. Explaining both its benefits and limitations, she said in an interview to HT Lifestyle, "Instagram has normalised therapy-speak, framing it as part of everyday conversations – not least in relationship dynamics. This has helped to normalise recognition of boundary-setting, emotional abuse and behaviour, or dysfunctional patterns which might previously have gone unnoticed. However, social media often simplifies complex psychological concepts into bite-sized labels and golden rules.”

The therapist addressed two essential questions for us:

How has Instagram’s simplified use of therapy terms such as 'red flag' 'toxic 'and 'narcissist' changed the way people interpret ordinary relationship conflicts?

Don't jump to conclusions. Look at the context when dealing with relationship problems.

The therapist pointed out that Instagram has a way of compartmentalising, a ‘very black and white way’ to define things. This means, it nurtures a binary thought process among people, so they jump to conclusions easily.

But in real therapy, it looks different.

Singhal said, “When I work with clients in therapy, we take a look at the context, the regularity, the pattern and the outcome of a behaviour. It's not just about 'did this person behave badly,' but is it something that is consistently happening, what are the effects of this on the relationship, and does this person understand that they have caused damage, and can they repair it? 30 seconds of social media clips can't really tell you the full psychological story of a person.”

What should you focus on instead? Patterns. Labels such as ‘red flag’ and ‘gaslighting’ can draw attention to the problematic behaviour, but behaviour can only be understood from a bigger-picture standpoint. One definite incident can't tell much.

How can people distinguish genuinely harmful behaviour from normal disagreements, imperfections and challenges that can be resolved through communication?

How can you tell whether a conflict points to a more serious problem? Singhal advised looking at the pattern, frequency, and consequences of the behaviour, rather than judging the relationship by one argument or bad experience.

Healthy relationships don't mean avoiding conflicts. Disagreements can happen in any relationship. What matters is whether both partners can express themselves, listen to each other, and work towards a solution. How they handle the conflict can tell you more than the disagreement itself.

How can you tell if the behaviour is worrisome? The therapist mentioned, “When we talk about the destructive behavior of your partner, we see the repetition of certain things, namely controlling, intimidation, humiliation, threats, manipulation, or disrespect of your boundaries. And another important issue is whether your partner will react to your concern about his/her behavior in a defensive way and keep standing for it or will be able to listen and change.”

Taking a less black-and-white approach to your relationship can help you move beyond a generic list of ‘red flags’ and understand your situation in context.

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.