Top NYC divorce lawyer James J Sexton shares 2 marriage mistakes couples make: ‘A wedding ring…’

James J Sexton warns against two big marriage traps: expecting the relationship to change your partner, or expecting it to freeze them in time.

When it comes to the legal unravelling of romance, top New York City divorce attorney James J Sexton has seen it all. But according to him, the cracks in a marriage usually start long before anyone steps into a courtroom.

In a February 2026 interview with podcaster Chris Williamson, James outlined the two fundamental, contradictory errors couples make when tying the knot or moving in together.

Mistake 1: expecting marriage to change them

The first trap couples fall into is the dangerous assumption that a formal commitment will magically fix pre-existing flaws. "I think there are two fundamental and somewhat contradictory errors that people make when they're getting married or cohabitating for the first time," James explained, adding, "And they're going to sound like a contradiction, but I don't think they are. They think that this is going to change the person."

James warned against falling in love with a partner's mere potential rather than reality. "You know, he drinks too much now, but like once we get married, he'll settle... he's got a wandering eye now, but once we move in together, you know that, you know, she runs around. She's a bit of a party girl, but you know what? Once we get married, she'll settle down," James said, mimicking common refrains. "So, thinking that marriage will change this person is a mistake," he added.

Mistake 2: expecting marriage to stop them from changing

Conversely, James noted that people simultaneously expect marriage to freeze time, acting as a shield against the natural evolution of an individual: "Similarly, thinking marriage will prevent this person from changing is also a mistake. That marriage is going to build walls around this thing, and it's going to stay this wonderful."

He described how the relationship itself can grow so large that it suffocates the two individuals who built it: "There's you, there's me and then there's we, right? And you were you, and I was me, and then we met each other, and all of a sudden, we're like, man, we got this thing together. And then the (we) is like this warm, wonderful, lovely place... And it actually gets so big it threatens to eat you and me completely, which is kind of a shame because now, like the thing we fell in love with, the you and the me, like it's been subsumed entirely by this creature."

James called this total loss of identity 'an unfortunate thing we should probably be on the lookout for to prevent it from happening'.

The wedding ring as 'anti-monster powder'

To cope with the terrifying reality that people change and love is vulnerable, James argued that humans rely on symbolism to feel safe. He compared wedding rings to a comforting trick he used to play on his own children.

"When my kids were little, I would take rather than explain to them at 10 at night that monsters don't exist. I would go, 'Okay, hold on.' And I'd go get some powder... 'Okay, this is anti-monster powder, and now no monsters can enter your room.' And they'd be like, 'Oh, thank God.' And they'd go to sleep," James recalled.

James argued that relying on a legal status or a piece of jewellery to safeguard a relationship is a form of emotional superstition. "But again, like that's a very human thing," James concluded, adding, “What do you think a wedding ring is? But anti-monster powder. That's all it is.”

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