The good news is that more and more sexual minorities are coming out of the closet. They’re identifying as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender to an increasingly wider social circle, trusting extended family, colleagues, friends and acquaintances even as India continues to criminalise homosexuality.
So what’s the bad news?
Much of India – yes even the educated, well-travelled, seemingly open-minded type – has no clue how to react. We’re a naturally nosy nation. Often, the curiosity goes too far, the clichés border on insensitive. "Many people act like they’re okay with ," says Alifiya G, 35, who revealed herself as lesbian to close friends and colleagues eight years ago. "But without realising it, they’ll say things to me that they’d never say to a straight person."
Don’t get graphic
"The most common thing I get asked once people know I’m gay is whether I’m the man or the woman in a relationship," says gay rights activist Nitin Karani. "But it’s none of their business. They also want to know the ‘how’ – that’s something you should read up, not ask someone."
Abheena Aher, a transgender activist who was recently elected chairperson of The Asia-Pacific Transgender Network, says that there is a persistent misconception that every gay person is sex-starved, seeking only casual sex. "We’re likely to be, or looking to be, in a serious relationship just like any other straight person," Aher says. "Stop asking us what we were up to last night." Alifiya finds that straight females often assume they can ask more intrusive questions to a lesbian. "Just because a person is open about their sexuality does not mean they are open to interrogation about their sex life," she says. "It’s still my private life."
Don’t jump to conclusions
No gay person is interested in that "one other gay person" you know (or that one time you "experimented"), so don’t bring it up. Likewise, don’t assume that the one or two (or two dozen) LGBT people you know are spokespersons for all sexual minorities. "Stop asking us why so many of us have creative jobs," Alifiya says. "We don’t know!"
As for other pop culture stereotypes – a man’s dapper dressing, a transgender’s obsession with fishnets – they’re wholly unreliable in real life. Alifiya’s long hair and feminine wardrobe often come as a surprise to those who expect gay women to be more androgynously styled. "People look at me and say ‘But you don’t look gay!’ almost accusingly," she says.
"I’m tired of telling people there is no ‘gay look’ just as there’s no ‘straight look’."
"More importantly, don’t assume that a gay man is looking for a nice gay woman to marry and keep society happy, says Aher. "Offering [to engineer] this kind of set-up only highlights your insensitivity and your own lack of courage," she explains.
Don’t be disrespectful
Perhaps the worst reactions are the ones that are tossed around casually. "A colleague might single a gay man out, saying ‘Look at him, checking the other guys out’ one day at the office," says Aher. "They’ll think it’s okay to make a joke about someone who is publicly out. But it’s not okay. My personal life is not somebody’s punchline."
It’s also not somebody else’s revelation to make. "It’s not your business to out someone and tell other people about their ," Karani points out. "Treat it as a matter of fact, which is what it is. And watch your language because even if you don’t intend it that way, a closeted person may come to think you’re homophobic and never open up to you at all."
STAR SPEAK OUT
STAR SPEAK OUT
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From HT Brunch, May 25
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