Bit of wit: A letter to Mother Superior

Heartiest congrats on becoming a mom yet again. The newspaper tells me that you, a 65-year-old teacher with seven grandchildren, are now the world’s oldest woman to bear quadruplets.
By Vikramdeep Johal
UPDATED ON MAY 31, 2015 09:36 AM IST

Annegret Raunigk,
Berlin, Germany.

Respected Mam,
Heartiest congrats on becoming a mom yet again. The newspaper tells me that you, a 65-year-old teacher with seven grandchildren, are now the world’s oldest woman to bear quadruplets. Your tally of kids from five fathers has shot up to 17, with their age group being a staggering 0-44 years. At this rate, we can look forward to a football match between teams formed entirely of your own brood. Great going! Even as same-sex marriages are being legalised and birth rates are dropping in the West, your prolific output is refreshingly old-fashioned. Indeed, you are a woman without a (meno)pause.

This letter comes to you all the way from Incredible India. If you think that my country is grossly overpopulated, you are highly ill-informed. In fact, the custodians of our religions want us to produce more and more babies. I can’t believe that these honourable men have any hidden tie-up with the diaper makers or the baby-food industry. Their fundas make sense: things are tough for the minority communities, there’s great security in numbers, the more the merrier, etc. Even our majority community, it’s feared, might be reduced to a minority if it takes its foot off the procreation pedal. If these gatekeepers of the faith have it their way, we would be kept locked inside our CCTVed bedrooms day and night. And the door would open only when it’s time to go to the maternity ward.

There are several social evils that worry our dharam gurus: son fixation, female foeticide, family planning, casual sex, attractive contraceptives. All these are no doubt hindering the rampant growth of population. A few babas, in particular, are apparently messing things up. Yoga guru Ramdev’s Putrajeevak Beej (‘son-only seed’) is said to rule out the possibility of having a girl child, while Dera Sacha Sauda head Gurmeet Ram Raheem Singh is accused of having castrated hundreds of his followers on the promise of uniting them with God. What’s worse, porn queen-turned baby doll Sunny Leone is endorsing condoms, enticing people to have aimless intercourse. And to top it all, for the second time in 15 years or so, our Prime Minister is a bachelor (or nearly so), rather than the inspirational father-of-nine Lalu Yadav.

Under the circumstances, it’s you who can turn the tide as the new icon of motherhood and goddess of fertility. Your emotional line, “I decided to become pregnant again as my nine-yearold daughter wanted a younger sibling,” is sure to strike a maternal chord here. A sarv dharam (all-faith) delegation will soon visit the Fatherland and invite you to India to launch the ‘Hum Do, Hamare Char’ campaign. This will give the noble souls a golden opportunity to tour Germany, all expenses paid, and also take a break from their holy books and unholy devotees. But I must warn you that these God-fearing men are on a mission; they have a high moral standing, even when they are sitting. Don’t even try to do to them what Maneka did to Vishvamitra. World War 3 might erupt if our religious leaders forget their divine duties and start fighting over you. If you want Hindustani company for your kiddos, there are lots of Vicky Donors here, ever-ready to oblige you. Hope you will come.

Yours humbly,
A father of one

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