Erase contempt from conflict

During an individual session, a 34-year-old man tells me, “I feel shattered when my wife and I fight

During an individual session, a 34-year-old man tells me, “I feel shattered when my wife and I fight. I feel shameful, hurt, and worthless, it feels like I’m never there for her. Her tone, and the sarcasm pierce through my heart. It’s not just anger, there is something more and it’s destroying our relationship. I don’t know if I have it in me to stay in this marriage.”

Erase contempt from conflict

An emotion that we don’t understand much, but which has a powerful impact on our relationships is that of contempt. The client, without knowing the vocabulary, was at the receiving end of contempt. On the face of it, contempt seems like anger and hatred for the other person, but if you pay close attention, you realize there is a feeling of disrespect towards the other person too. This extreme form of disrespect is also accompanied by a sense of disgust and hostility.

It was Dr John and Julie Gottman, couple therapists who first talked about how contempt can be corrosive and a big predictor in relation to divorce and separation. Over the years, the more and more I have worked with couples, I have realized that sometimes presence of contempt can lead to marriages falling apart, but it always makes the partner who is at the receiving end feel helpless, worthless and belittled. As Dr John Gottman in his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail says, “What separates contempt from criticism is the intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner. With your words and body language, you’re lobbing insults straight into the heart of your partner’s sense of self.” This is also because, at the heart of contempt, there is a feeling of superiority and a sense that one partner knows better, and the other person doesn’t really know or understand anything.

Very often our behaviors and actions that reek of contempt are learnt behaviors. Like all learnt behaviors, we can also unlearn this and thereafter make space for engaging in conflicts and expressing our feelings in a way that allows for repair. In relationships where there is trust in the partner, a belief that it takes two to make a relationship work, bringing about change gets a little easier. When there is mistrust, defensiveness, inability to work towards awareness and acknowledge one’s role, then contempt and other destructive ways of conflict continue.

Choosing to become aware and mindful of how we speak is a good starting point when it comes to recognizing and catching ourselves, when we act in contemptuous ways. In sessions, I ask clients to pay attention to their choice of words and tonality. I often ask them that if they had the same conflict at work, would they use the same words and tonality? The answer is always no, and clients tell me how they forget to be kind towards their partner but are more mindful in friendships and work conversations. What I have learnt is that couples who continue to see the good in each other, extend generosity to each other, and have gratitude for what each one brings to the relationship, do a good job of dealing with contempt. Learning to acknowledge our unmet needs, feelings and communicating them in a timely way is a way to avoid contempt seeping in.

We need to remember that relationships require lifelong curiosity, openness, and a belief that there are always kinder and more effective ways to communicate rather than be judgmental and accusatory towards each other.