In view of recent events, job advertisements, particularly for government appointments, are on the threshold of a revolution. Here are a few examples of these ads in the future:
* Wanted: Railway Board Member
The post of Member, Railway Board, has fallen vacant due to the untimely demise of the former incumbent in an orgy.
Eligibility: We require rich, successful persons with an unblemished record of ill-gotten gains. A passion for filthy lucre is a must. Only multiple-crorepatis need apply.
The post: The Member will be in charge of farming out salivatingly lucrative railway projects.
Prerequisites: Applicants must be pro-active in conceptualising and implementing innovative underhand ways of skimming off the moolah.
Qualifications: A track-record of successful bribe-taking and bribe-giving are both essential.
The successful candidate must deposit Rs 10 crore in notes of small denominations. We do not accept drafts or cheques. Sacks are not permitted — the money will have to be brought in suitcases.
Remuneration: Experts estimate the entire upfront payment for the job will be recouped in one year.
* Tender Notice
Sealed tenders are invited for the post of director on the board of a nationalised bank. In view of the excellent opportunities for graft and the high return on investment, a floor price of Rs 15 crore has been fixed for the bid, but we expect the successful candidate to submit a much higher quotation. No special qualifications are needed, other than extraordinary venality. A constantly itching hand will be an advantage.
* Walk in auctions! Walk in auctions!
Do you have what it takes to bribe your way into some of the most lucrative jobs in the country? Are you smart enough to give a large cut to mamu and yet make enough on the side for that six-bedroom mansion with swimming pool attached and those Caribbean holidays? If so, walk in next Saturday at the Gravy Train Hall, Kickback Hotel to participate in an exciting auction for the posts of excise inspectors, customs inspectors, income-tax inspectors and traffic policemen assigned to the most rewarding street-crossings. So come one, come all! Walk in with the cash and walk out with a money-spinning job! You’ll never regret the investment.
* Walk in auctions! Walk in auctions!
Do you have what it takes to bribe your way into some of the most lucrative jobs in the country? Are you smart enough to give a large cut to mamu and yet make enough on the side for that six-bedroom mansion with swimming pool attached and those Caribbean holidays? If so, walk in next Saturday at the Gravy Train Hall, Kickback Hotel to participate in an exciting auction for the posts of excise inspectors, customs inspectors, income-tax inspectors and traffic policemen assigned to the most rewarding street-crossings. So come one, come all! Walk in with the cash and walk out with a money-spinning job! You’ll never regret the investment.
* Easy finance arranged for jobs
Are you unable to land that paying government job because you can’t cough up the cash? Relax! Help is at hand at Job Financing Ltd. We will loan you the amount you need to make those under-the-table payments at a nominal interest rate of 15% per annum. Repayments will be in easy instalments.
* A premier educational institution equips you for a profitable career
We have been ranked the best MBA (Masters in Bribe Administration) school in the country, equipping students for a successful career in bribery, graft, nepotism and money laundering. Our placements are the best, based on our vast networks with mamus. Our alumni have been successful at the job auctions for top administrative and political posts.
Best of all, we charge no fees. All we ask is that once you embark on your venal career, you will share 5% of your annual revenues with us. Open to negotiation, of course.
Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint.
Views expressed by the author are personal.