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Agony Pariksha

"I am playing the role of an agony aunt in UP" ? Amar Singh

india Updated: Nov 02, 2002 20:47 IST

"I am playing the role of an agony aunt in UP" — Amar Singh

Cyrus Broacha and Malaika/Sophiya play it on MTV. Ruby Bhatia and Santosh Gnanakan play it in Sunday Mid Day. So why not Amar Singh? He loves being in the company of stars, and he loves a messy affair. So he’s doubly qualified for this role.

I don’t know how many MLAs took up the Samajwadi leader’s mock offer of ‘a shoulder to cry on’. But it is clear that it’s not only lovelorn teenagers who write in for emotional advice. Shove-torn politicians need it as desperately. Their Agony column might read like this.

Dear Mohabbat Masi-ji,
I am a 20-year-long MLA from UP, and was madly in love for two years with a perky, pony-tailed girl. Though a champion of the backward, she was very forward. My friends warned me that she was notoriously fickle, but I ignored them. We needed each other. We sat on the same bench, and shared strategy and samosas. But everything changed dramatically in the past few weeks.

On one expansive morning, she invited a bunch people to join her, but left me out. Then, another friend began flirting with me. I had ignored such advances earlier, but this time I said to myself, ‘Kyon-ji, why I should worry about loyalty, when the girl I was so faithful to has begun openly taking others into her arms and inner circle? If someone else gives me tender loving care — and promises me tenders — why shouldn’t I respond?’

Masi-ji, I don’t know where to turn? My old friendship still holds out attractions. But the new one is so soft, so mmm-Mulayam.
Yours, Messed-Up

Dear Messed-Up,
Love is merely Maya, extricate yourself at once. You are an Independent man. Stability is highly overrated; topple it from your conscience. Don’t listen to this Behenji or that Bhaiyya. Would they show the slightest hesitation in jumping into bed with anyone for love or money? And don’t succumb to your Hindu-bindu. In pyaar as in politics, you must not be communal. Listen only to your Amar Aunty-ji you won’t regret it. I give you my personal guarantee — a suitcase full of it.

* *
Dear Agony Amma,
I am smitten by a woman whose waist is like a bend in the river, whose tresses flow like waves, and whose eyes are to drown in. I can’t give her up for a day, a minute, not even a cusec. But that’s exactly what I’ve been forced to do. They say I must share her. Is there no commandment which says, ‘Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s lover?’ The demand has reduced me to a sorry state. The two of us are Cauvery and Krishna, but we have no confluence because of that neighbour who’s acting like a big, fat kabab mein idli. Whichever way I turn, I am held in contempt — or accused of it.

My people are so upset about this dishonour, that they threaten to kill themselves. How can I lock the sluice gates of our passion? At this rate, I myself will have only hours left. Better they just shoot-me-at-sight.
Yours Sad Mournful Krishna

Dear SMK,
It may not offer you much consolation, but love triangles such as yours are as eternal as river disputes. Your case is so difficult, that it could defy the Supreme Court. As a mere counsellor, I am unable to deal with it. You need specialist medical help, so I am referring your case to my Amma, the better qualified Dr J. Jayalalitha. She is the only one who can dam your emotions.

* *
Dear Pain-ben,
I’m a very confused Gujju Turned Modi. I still believe that I am the Gaurav of all Gujarat, but even some of my so-called friends say I am just an Ahmeda-bad boy. Upholding the culture of my community, I swung my dandiya at those who didn’t dance to our tune. But now I’m the one desperately trying to sev my gathia, I mean save my gaddi. Who would have ever thought that I would ever feel like a minority? Two girls especially are responsible for my disgrace. First, that prudish EC refused to give me a kissie, and now SC has gone public with my dissolution ways. Hey Bappa! Next they’ll spread the rumour that I can’t get an election.
Yours Modistressed

Dear Modistressed,
I’m afraid you sound like an incurable case. I suggest you try to seek temporary relief from whichever camp will have you.

* * *
Alec Smart said, “Shouldn’t the Ambanis be booked for rash driving? They never apply brakes, and now they’ve stepped on the gas.”

First Published: Nov 03, 2002 00:00 IST