No one bothered to tell me that shortly after buying the expensive outfit for my friend’s wedding and giving a heartwarming champagne toast in front of hundreds that I was going lose my friend to marriage. Had I known, I definitely would have taken advantage of the open bar a bit more.
The loss began subtly. Phone calls tapered off. Weeks would pass before I saw her. She skipped lunches, brunches and any other food-related get-togethers.
But the greatest clue? The awkward conversations. These included a lot of forced giggling while she regaled me about her crazy weekend when she and her husband (aka friend thief) were preparing the spare room for — the anticipated baby.
Unwelcome change
This was the same woman who taught me how to take a tequila shot without ever touching the glass with my hands and now she was Mrs So and So and well, we didn’t have all that much in common anymore.
I lacked a husband, I didn’t own a townhouse in one of those multi-concept urban villages, and I wasn’t taking pre natal vitamins. Things had changed.
We were both struggling to find a way to maintain our friendship without heading to our respective corners of ‘single-with-cat’ this way and ‘married-with-kids’.
{{/usCountry}}We were both struggling to find a way to maintain our friendship without heading to our respective corners of ‘single-with-cat’ this way and ‘married-with-kids’.
{{/usCountry}}Asking around, it turns out that this is not uncommon for friends who now stand on opposite sides of the marital fence. Nadine Fluty, 28, saw six of her friends get married last year.
Nearly all of them have changed in some way, she says. “I used to pick up the phone and call them all the time. But now I’ll call someone else mainly because I just can’t relate,” said Fluty. “Everything revolves around the marriage, complaining about the mother-in-law, house decorating and things I don’t really want to talk about.”
“But I understand. People evolve and enter new chapters of their life,” she said. “I’m very independent and very single. So I have a hard time relating to married people. So, I found a new group of friends.”
Don’t let go
Murray Kaufman, a marriage and family therapist says that like most relationships, there are peaks and valleys that people must weather. But he does encourage married people to keep their circle of friends active, and this includes their single friends. “There is a feeling that when you get married, your life becomes focused only on your marriage,” he said. “That now their needs are going to be met by one person is a myth.”
It is expected that married folks just focus on their spouse and new life, Kaufman says. But having outside friendships from the primary relationship is key to a balanced life. “There are only so much of your needs that can be met in a single relationship,” he said. “It’s important for all of us to have different support groups, so we can make ourselves happy in life.”
Extended family
Support and understanding are what send married people veering toward others with similar lifestyles. Suddenly life is not about going out to a new restaurant, or taking a weekend jaunt. It’s about family.
Cordelia Stark, 30, mother of two, is a member of a group she sought out after she lost touch with her single friends. “We don’t have a lot in common anymore.
They don’t understand, but call out of the blue and want to go out. I have kids.
They think that just because we are the same age, I can still go out drinking and clubbing.”
Jennifer Edmonds understands. “Your old life’s over. I can’t go out clubbing because I have to get up at 6 am.” She adds, “With other married women you have the same learning curve.” But friendships don’t end. They evolve.
ompromise and communication — the hallmarks of any good relationship — is all it takes to move with the tides in vacillating friendships.