Back in the groove

Heartache is hard to get over but it shouldn't stop you from dating again.

We’ve all been through those horrible phases of life. Times when all that we’ve done is stare at the ceiling and walls of our room. Months pass by and by the time we recover from the heartache we know what animal the chipped ceiling resembles, how the sunlight filters through the gulmohar tree outside the window and how many beats our favourite song has before it changes its slow rhythm. Break-ups do many things – good and bad. What’s important is to face them head-on and get ready for a new life – a life which is a little more in your control than it was. And no, break-ups don’t mean the end of the world. Like a friend once told me when I was going through one of them myself, “The end of something is the beginning of something else.”

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So it’s all right to be hurt but it’s important to move on. Meet new people, go out with friends and fall in love if your heart tells you to.

Let bygones be bygones
Easier said than done, but never let your past relationship come in the way of your present or future. Know that no two persons are ever the same. Maybe your ex-girlfriend / boyfriend was great, but remember, if you really were meant to be together you would have been. Besides, one has to move on. Shruti Tiwari, 24, a software professional, did. “I’d been seeing his guy for the past five years. We were so used to each other that in the beginning it was almost impossible to imagine life without him but I realised I had to get my life in order.”

Your photo frames should be only for your friends (not boyfriend/girlfriend!), your family or your pet.

Break the habit of calling him/her. Call your best friend or mother instead. It’s not the same but you’ll break the habit of comfort.

Rude but important – return his/her things. His T-shirt might still smell great and her stockings might still remind you of her, but for your own sake, get rid of them. Things are the easiest reason for exes to visit your place.

Get comfortable with yourself
The best way of handling a situation is by trying to see its bright side – very difficult but very important. This is probably the best time for you to get in touch with yourself. Do things that you’ve always wanted to do but never had the time for. Catch up on some reading, buy some new music or develop a new hobby.

Analyse your feelings. Try and figure out why the break-up happened and what it’s taught you. We all make mistakes but we all don’t remember the lessons from them.

Lastly, but most importantly, gear up for a new life after you’ve given yourself enough time to heal. Remember, it’s important to grow and let go.

The new, mature you
It depends on how you want to see the glass – half full or half empty. Your past relationship may have hurt you but try and look at what it’s taught you. It made you grow up – love it for that if nothing else.

And now that you can see things maturely, realise that every relationship can’t be happy, but that doesn’t mean you stop meeting new people.

Explains Dr Gorav Gupta, neuro-psychiatrist and a consultant at Batra Hospital, “It takes a person anywhere from three weeks to three months to get out of a sad situation in life. It’s called a grief reaction. Once that is over, you should try and come to terms with your new life. It’s important to meet new people and move on.”

So go ahead – get ready to mingle. But there’s one ground rule. Unlike the last time, don’t raise your expectations. Tell yourself it’s just another date. You might click or you might not. It’s like looking for the right fit in jeans. It takes a while to get the perfect fit but it’s worth the effort.

Remember, dating is the start of getting your life back in order. It’s meant to be fun. It’s just a part of your overall plan to make you feel good about yourself. If you meet the right person, it’s an added advantage but remember that’s not the sole purpose of a date.

Heal thyself
Once you’ve got your heart and head in control, it’s important to feel good. Okay, you love your plump self but try and see your sexy self too. Do it purely for yourself.

Try and discover a new you and you never know, you might just surprise yourself. And remember, when you feel great, your confidence will speak for you. It did for Jitesh Chatterjee, 27, a CA. “ I was going through a terrible time after my break-up. Nothing helped. Finally I bought myself something I’d always wanted to but didn’t because I was planning to get married and needed to save money. I bought myself a CBZ bike. The sheer indulgence made me feel better about myself.”

So here are some basics:
You hate make up? Chances are that you haven’t even seen how you look with it. Try it just for the heck of it.

Get a manicure and pedicure. For men who find it sissy, well, guys, get a body massage. Who knows, the experience might just wind up massaging your ego as well.

Experiment with a different cologne or perfume.

Get yourself a new dress, shirt or a pair of sneakers. There’s nothing like treating yourself.

Kick the date scare
So you haven’t dated in a while and you are very, very nervous. Relaaaax. Remember, you are not alone in this. There’s going to another person across the table and he/she might be as uncomfortable about this as you are. All you are doing is meeting someone – you might or might not meet them again and the decision is totally in your hands. You are the king/queen and it’s reason enough for you to feel confident and peppy.

What’s important is to remember to be at ease. It’s better to begin as friends and get into a relationship than begin as a man and woman. If you’re really looking at a long-term relationship, it’s especially important to be friends first.

Know what you deserve
You don’t know what exactly you want. What about what you don’t want?

Make a mental list in your head of what you don’t like in a person. For example, you loathe men who want to act macho and pay for your coffee. Or you can’t stand women who wear make up. Once you figure that out, if you feel a person doesn’t have what you dislike, go right ahead. For all you know, you might just discover what you do like.

But yes, some basics you should look for are – compatibility, communication style, common interests (at least some), life goals, relationship goals, personality and intelligence. For a person to have all these characteristics in exactly the way you want them is virtually impossible (you knew that, didn’t you?) but keep your eyes and ears open for the best package!

You are the best!
Your ex told you you were not sensitive but you know you are. Post break-up and before you get into a new relationship is the best time for you to get in touch with your real self. You are a wonderful person and you should know it.

A new relationship is not just a new relationship with the other person – it’s a new relationship with yourself. You deserve all the respect and attention from yourself and the other person.

A broken relationship also breaks self-esteem – it happens to all of us. What’s important is to get out of that wretched feeling of being down and out. Remind yourself of what you mean to your family and friends, what you’ve been to them.

After all, your relationship may have failed, but your life hasn’t.

Plan your life
Most things in life require some skill and dating is no different. If you didn’t know this, it’s time you did. Part of the dating game is having courage. If you find someone interesting, go right ahead and tell him/her.

Never mind if you haven’t spotted the right person. Do all this or at least some of it – just for kicks if you don’t think you are ready for a steady relationship.

Ask a friend to fix you a blind date.

Post your CV on shaadi.com.

Attend all the parties you are invited to.

Have a party at your place and ask everyone to bring one single friend.

Join a fitness club.

Join a dance class.

Flirt with people you meet at the local mall.

Get rejected.

Last but not the least, remember this: basics never change. Dating is like swimming – if you’ve learnt it once, you’ll never forget it!